The Calm Before The Storm?

What’s wrong with me?  Usually I’m a huge ball of nerves and anxiety.  I’ve been surprisingly calm and dare I say it excited.  All the hamsters in my head are quietly sleeping in their wheels.  I’m in pre-transfer nesting mode.  I had my gel nails filed off, which left me with peeling sore nail beds.  I’m doing laundry and cleaning the house since I won’t be able to do that for 2 weeks.  I know M won’t vacuum during that time.  I doubt he even knows where it is although we do have 3 of them.  I have my outfit picked out.  I’ll be wearing a loose skirt (don’t want anything tight) and my Kokopelli tank top.  I’m also bringing my fuzzy socks my mom got me (they told me to bring socks).  I have my Valium and water bottle all ready.  I can’t take my Valium until I get there because they want me “lucid” when I sign the paperwork.  Its only 10 mg, just enough to calm my uterus, but they act like I’m going to show up all cracked out.

This weekend I plan on playing in the ocean and having lots of coffee and wine- things I will be giving up come Monday.  I’ll probably throw in some sushi and maybe a hot dog.  I don’t even like hot dogs but I’m sure I will be wanting one as soon as I can’t have one.  I’m taking off from work on Monday and Tuesday.  The 2nd day isn’t a necessity but Dr. M is ordering it.  Maybe I’ll get a bell that I can ring whenever I need something.  Its going to be hard for me to lay around not doing anything.  I’m the type that’s always on the go and doing 20 things at once.  Oh yeah, I also need to get a pineapple.  I’ll be cutting up the core into 5 pieces and eating 1 per day starting today.  There is something in the woody core (Bromelain) that is supposed to help with implantation.  There is a lot of conflicting information on the internet of when to start and how  much to eat but I’m being conservative and limiting it to 5 pieces, core only.

This is my Kokopelli tank top (I guess I should iron it?).  My mom got it for me for my 40th birthday.

Kokopelli is a fertility deity.  He’s said to carry unborn children on his back and distribute them to women.  Hey, wearing a tank top is easier than shaking a bloody chicken foot over the RE while he’s doing the transfer.  They probably won’t let me wear it anyway and force me to wear one of those lovely hospital gowns.  But at least I can wear it to and from the office.

Making it to a transfer is the furthest I’ve gone on this journey.  I have no idea what to expect.  I don’t even know how many of our 15 embryos will make it to Monday.  We could have 15 or we could have one.  I suppose we could also have none.  I know if that’s the case they will call me and cancel it but I’m not worried about that.  So why am I so calm?  Is this the way normal people are?  Is this the Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff  theory in action?  Doubtful because transferring an embryo into your uterus is hardly “small stuff”, well figuratively, not literally.  Maybe I’m just at peace that it is what is it.  I’ve done all that I possibly can to prepare for this.  I have no control over what happens next.  I mean, yes, I can think positive and eat right and take care of my mind and body but seriously- what else is there to do?  I can’t believe that as of Monday I will be PUPO (pregnant unless proven otherwise).  That’s HUGE so I should be freaking out.  I guess I’m just ready.  I’m ready for the heartburn and stretch marks and swollen feet- all the things that will bring us our baby and make us whole. 

I suggested to my mom that maybe M is secretly sneaking me my dog’s Zanex to keep me calm.  She asked if I had the urge to chase squirrels.  I said no but I did try to lick my butt and hump the neighbor’s leg.  I really hope that I’m turning over a new leaf and becoming a normal person and this is not just the calm before a storm- fingers crossed!

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