Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

All Hail The Puke

on December 3, 2013


There is no bigger mind fuck than when an infertile gets pregnant.  The 2 week wait/worry is nothing compared to the daily “am I still pregnant?” worries.  The typical infertile has suffered years of disappointments, heart breaks, negative pees sticks and miscarriages.  Once you actually get a decent beta its hard to believe it.  You keep thinking, “Me?  Pregnant?  Nah, there must have been a blood mix up in the lab.  I can’t be that lucky to finally be pregnant.”

If you are unlucky enough to not have morning sickness then I truly sympathize with you.  I say “unlucky” because having morning sickness at least lets you feel like something is still going on in there.   It validates your pregnancy.  Sometimes I pray for puke.  Another thing you want is sore boobs.  Granted they can be sore from the PIO but that’s usually a tell-tale sign you’re pregnant as well.   You might find yourself constantly poking your boobs to see if they are sore.   You then poke so much that yes they are sore- but just from poking them.  Food aversions and smells are another symptom.  I notice myself smelling everything I can find to see if I have any aversions to them.  So far I only have an aversion to dirty litter boxes and dog farts.

I have an occasional nauseous moment.  There are some foods I’m not willing to eat.  I get a sore titty every now and then.  Other than that, which can all be explained by something un-pregnancy related, I’m symptom free.   If you are symptom free then your mind fucks you into thinking you are pregnancy free as well.  I’ve had 3 ultrasounds already.  All is beating and measuring exactly where is should be.  Here is our little pumpkin from yesterday’s ultrasound at 7 weeks, 2 days.  I have no clue what I’m looking at so don’t feel bad if you don’t either lol.  Pumpkin supposedly looks like a gummy bear.


It’s all perfect- too perfect.  I’m mind fucked from years of infertility scars and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’m waiting for the dark cloud.  I really hate that feeling.  I want to be able to enjoy this.  I want to cherish every moment but I sometimes feel like someone that was diagnosed with a terminal disease and each morning I’m wondering if it will be my last.  I don’t want to be like this.  I want to live each moment and bask in the glory of a dream come true.  I want the fairytale!  I wonder when that switch is going to turn on?  Is it once I’m thru the 1st trimester?  Is it when I feel the 1st kick?  Is it ultrasound #73?  Or is it not until the day I give birth to a healthy baby?

I will be getting an ultrasound every Monday until I’m released to my OB.  At that point I will have to negotiate an ultrasound schedule with her.  For the time being I’m just going to try to cherish every time I get to see our pumpkin and  hold close to my heart that maybe for once in my life I finally get to be one of the lucky ones.



One response to “All Hail The Puke

  1. Yes. and sorry the worry never does end during the pregnancy. at least for me it didn’t. i finally just embraced being worried as a blessing. at least i had something growing in there to b worried about ya know? Even if i wasn’t sure he was still growing. its a one moment at a time thing. and i too, couldn’t wait to b sick! And every nausea free moment scared the crap out of me. my fertile friends couldn’t understand it as they all whined about morning sickness and i literally prayed for. it. i gave up trying to explain.

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