Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

All Hail The Puke

on December 3, 2013

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There is no bigger mind fuck than when an infertile gets pregnant.  The 2 week wait/worry is nothing compared to the daily “am I still pregnant?” worries.  The typical infertile has suffered years of disappointments, heart breaks, negative pees sticks and miscarriages.  Once you actually get a decent beta its hard to believe it.  You keep thinking, “Me?  Pregnant?  Nah, there must have been a blood mix up in the lab.  I can’t be that lucky to finally be pregnant.”

If you are unlucky enough to not have morning sickness then I truly sympathize with you.  I say “unlucky” because having morning sickness at least lets you feel like something is still going on in there.   It validates your pregnancy.  Sometimes I pray for puke.  Another thing you want is sore boobs.  Granted they can be sore from the PIO but that’s usually a tell-tale sign you’re pregnant as well.   You might find yourself constantly poking your boobs to see if they are sore.   You then poke so much that yes they are sore- but just from poking them.  Food aversions and smells are another symptom.  I notice myself smelling everything I can find to see if I have any aversions to them.  So far I only have an aversion to dirty litter boxes and dog farts.

I have an occasional nauseous moment.  There are some foods I’m not willing to eat.  I get a sore titty every now and then.  Other than that, which can all be explained by something un-pregnancy related, I’m symptom free.   If you are symptom free then your mind fucks you into thinking you are pregnancy free as well.  I’ve had 3 ultrasounds already.  All is beating and measuring exactly where is should be.  Here is our little pumpkin from yesterday’s ultrasound at 7 weeks, 2 days.  I have no clue what I’m looking at so don’t feel bad if you don’t either lol.  Pumpkin supposedly looks like a gummy bear.

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It’s all perfect- too perfect.  I’m mind fucked from years of infertility scars and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’m waiting for the dark cloud.  I really hate that feeling.  I want to be able to enjoy this.  I want to cherish every moment but I sometimes feel like someone that was diagnosed with a terminal disease and each morning I’m wondering if it will be my last.  I don’t want to be like this.  I want to live each moment and bask in the glory of a dream come true.  I want the fairytale!  I wonder when that switch is going to turn on?  Is it once I’m thru the 1st trimester?  Is it when I feel the 1st kick?  Is it ultrasound #73?  Or is it not until the day I give birth to a healthy baby?

I will be getting an ultrasound every Monday until I’m released to my OB.  At that point I will have to negotiate an ultrasound schedule with her.  For the time being I’m just going to try to cherish every time I get to see our pumpkin and  hold close to my heart that maybe for once in my life I finally get to be one of the lucky ones.

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One response to “All Hail The Puke

  1. Yes. and sorry the worry never does end during the pregnancy. at least for me it didn’t. i finally just embraced being worried as a blessing. at least i had something growing in there to b worried about ya know? Even if i wasn’t sure he was still growing. its a one moment at a time thing. and i too, couldn’t wait to b sick! And every nausea free moment scared the crap out of me. my fertile friends couldn’t understand it as they all whined about morning sickness and i literally prayed for. it. i gave up trying to explain.

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