Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

A Crime Scene and a Miracle

on November 18, 2013

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This has been the day from hell so far.  By 6am I had already gone through so many different emotions that I was exhausted and wanted to hide in bed all day.

This post for the most part is TMI (too much information- of a graphic nature).  It is not meant for the faint of heart and may upset some pregnant ladies (and my momma).

I woke up at 4:11 am to pee.  I know it was exactly 4:11 because I looked at the clock and said “I love you pumpkin”.  I said this because the first time Mike told me he loved me it was 4:11.  So now we usually sign all cards to each other 4:11.  Its cute and corny but that’s who we are.

When I stood up I felt wet between my legs.  It was so early and I was half asleep so I thought maybe I held my pee too long and in my fogginess I was peeing myself.  I put my hand on my crotch and ran to the bathroom.  When I turned the light on and looked at my hand it was covered in blood- bright red blood.  I sat down on the toilet and blood was literally pouring out of me.  It had run down my leg and was on the marble floor.  This continued for what seemed like 5 minutes.  I was looking between my legs the whole time in total shock of what I was seeing.  I thought I would bleed to death if it didn’t stop soon.  I was wracking my brain to remember everything I’ve ever read about bleeding early in pregnancy.  I know its common, like up to 40% of women common, and it tends to be even more common in IVF pregnancies.  But I’ve always read that the blood should be brown or light pink.  Red is always indicative of a bad sign- according to Dr. Google.

I then felt a weird sensation and looked down and something fell out of me.  I was sure it was my baby.   But the weird thing was it wasn’t a clot like I had expected.  I was thinking it would look like a blob of jelly.  This looked like a blood soaked cotton ball.  It was about the size of a cotton ball and looked fluffy and was reddish pink- almost like cotton candy.  You know when you drop your contact or a ring or earing into the sink and you scramble to get it but it falls down the drain anyway.  Well that’s what I tried to do with the cotton ball.  Unfortunately it disappeared before I could get it.  Why is it sometimes when you poop you have that one floater that won’t flush and it takes like 3 flushes to get rid of it.  Yet when you have something in the toilet that you need to get (you don’t hear that often) it automatically gets sucked up never to be seen again?  I was totally paranoid that the cotton ball was my baby and I was flushing it out to sea.  I was horrified.  At this point I was shaking and weak from the trauma of the situation.  The bleeding stopped, or was at least reduced to light spotting when I wiped.  I put a pad on and went back into bed- not that I would be able to sleep.  I needed to lay there listening to Mike snore to bring me back to reality so I could attempt to process what happened.  I was running through all sorts of scenarios in my head.  By the time I had spun myself into a headache the alarm went off- it was 6 am.  I got up expecting to see another book bathe but nothing- my pad was dry/clean.  I took a shower and only had some mild spotting when I peed and wiped.

By the time I got to the doctor’s office I had worked myself into a sweat.  I was fully prepared for them to say, “rides over, ticket booth is closed, come again”.  Of course the waiting room was packed.  There are never any more than 3 women in there- today every seat was taken.  It also might have been because I went about 20 minutes earlier than usual due to the crime scene that was in my bathroom.  I went to the vamps and told her what happened.  She said she would have the doctor do an ultrasound.  She then held my hand and rubbed it with her other hand while giving my the sad face.  She might as well have given me the kiss of death.  Since they were packed I couldn’t go right from the vamp chair into an exam room.  I had to go back into the waiting room.  And what do you think I should walk right into?  A fucking baby stroller.  NOT what I wanted to see right then.  The baby was probably about 8 months old and had this little rattle thing on a bar in front of it.  The baby kept spinning it and the beads rolling around in it were deafening- at least to me.   I understand that some people have no choice to bring their kids with them.  But to me bringing a baby to a fertility clinic is like smoking a cigarette in a chemo ward- have some respect for the ones that haven’t gotten to baby #1 yet- please!

Finally my name was called.  The walk from the waiting room to the exam room felt like 10 miles and I was walking down death row to my execution.  I explained the whole morning to Doogie Howser.  He did an ultrasound but I didn’t want to look.  That was until I actually heard him breathe out- and it was loud like a sigh of relief not sorrow.  He told me to look and showed me the gestational sac and the yolk sac.  He said everything was measuring what it should be for 5 weeks, 2 days.  He said he was totally relieved to be seeing this and that I had scared him.  He said I was NOT in the middle of a miscarriage like he expected and everything looked good for now but we could tell more once my blood work came back.

I can’t tell you how amazing it was to see my little pumpkin patch.  I didn’t look for long or ask for a picture because I felt like I was cheating on Mike.  I wanted to see our pumpkin for the 1st time together but like everything else in the infertility world- nothing is what we want.  All I could see was my uterus (grey static) and the gestational sac (a large black blob) and the yolk sac (a tiny white dot within the black blob).  To me it was the most beautiful thing to ever see.  I did feel like it was a miracle.  And you know what- not once during this whole morning did using donor eggs cross my mind.  It wasn’t until now that I realized how strongly that Momma Bear mode kicks in when your baby is in potential danger.  And genetics never, ever entered the equation.

Doogie Hower called while I was typing this post.  He said my beta is continuing to rise- its 4809 at 18dp5dt.  All my other levels are good and my progesterone hasn’t decreased anymore but he was bumping it up to 1.5 cc just to be safe.  He will see me again on Thursday for normal monitoring but will NOT be doing the ultrasound then.  He’s postponing that until Monday when I will be 6 weeks, 2 days.  By then we should be able to see the flicker of the heart beat.  If not Thanksgiving will be cancelled.

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11 responses to “A Crime Scene and a Miracle

  1. Anonymous says:

    I am so sorry this has happened to you today but I’d like to give you a bit or hope. I had a huge bleed at 6 weeks and thought it was over as well. (Being someone with recurrent losses, it didn’t come as a huge surprise). Anyhow, called my RE and went in for an ultrasound to make sure I passed everything. To our surprise, there was the gestational sac, yolk sac and heartbeat! I had another huge bleed at 9 weeks and 13 weeks. I ended up being diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma which can be scary but most resolve themselves by 20 weeks. I’m now 22 weeks 4 days with a healthy baby girl 🙂 my hematoma is still there unfortunately but I haven’t had any bleeding in over 8-9 weeks and my scans show that it’s getting smaller. I’m told I’ll probably just end up delivering it with the placenta. I just wanted to give you some comfort that although bleeding in pregnancy is scary, it doesn’t always mean the end. Huge hugs to you!!

  2. Lisette says:

    So traumatic, I’m so sorry you had to endure that. But so happy everything is ok. It’s never straightforward is it. It’s freaking IF kicking us while we’re down, just to remind us not to get too comfortable. Bastard.
    We were at our clinic on Friday and there was a baby in there being its cute little self. All the infertiles were averting their eyes and dying inside. Torture

  3. Jen says:

    My goodness, what a day! I’m so sorry this happened but so thankful your pumpkin is okay!

  4. rosiedd78 says:

    OY! What an ordeal! So glad the day ended well.
    Even as a 2ndary IFer, I hate babies at the RE. I understand people don’t always have childcare, but still. IT’S SO ANNOYING!

  5. Megan says:

    Oh gosh what a scary and stressful situation, I’m so glad things turned out to be okay!

  6. Shew! What a relief all is well. looking forward to Monday for u.

  7. I am SO RELIEVED!!! I thought this post was going to end in tragedy, but you and your baby are strong!

    I also was struck by how you forgot you’d used a donor. That’s very reassuring to me.

    Big hugs xoxo

  8. dipitie says:

    Fingers crossed for you. How horrifying 😦

  9. damelapin says:

    Oh my god i was so frighten by the beginning of your post… Hopefully u won’t bleed again. Xxx

  10. […] A Crime Scene and a Miracle (my1111wish.wordpress.com) […]

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