Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

The Buck Stops Here?

on December 6, 2013

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Now that I’m “knocked up” I’ve been asking my mom a lot of questions about her pregnancy- did she have morning sickness, did she get stretch marks, etc.  Recent studies have shown that a lot of these pregnancy symptoms are genetic.  So if your mom had them chances are you will too. It’s a great bonding experience between a mother and daughter to be able to share pregnancy stories.   It dawned on me the other night that if I have a daughter I will not be able to clue her in on what HER pregnancy will be like.  I can tell her what mine was like but we will not be genetically related so hers might be a lot different.

My mom came over last night to give me my shots.  We sat at the table talking about family history.  She was telling me about my grandma’s life.  My grandma was 3 years old when her mother died.  There were 8 other kids in the family and I guess her dad couldn’t take care of them all so some of them were “given” to other people.  Apparently, as far as my mom knows, the first child given away was legally adopted by another couple.  That couple then moved away and my grandma and the rest of the kids lost touch with the sister.  I guess my grandma’s dad didn’t like that so from then on the other children were allowed to be raised by other couples but not legally adopted.  But that didn’t mean they were all able to keep in touch.  My grandma was raised by a very nice couple that wasn’t able to have children.  Over the years my grandma found some of her siblings but never grew too close with them.  I guess it must be weird to go to a funeral and get introduced to a long lost sibling- maybe one that you didn’t even know you had.  I also heard about my grandpa’s family and his upbringing.  My grandpa’s dad lived in a boarding home that was owned by a couple with a little daughter.  The husband died and eventually my grandpa’s dad married that woman and raised the daughter as his own.  He then went on to have 2 children with her (one of which was my grandpa).  So my grandpa has a full sibling and a half sibling.  Being that both of my maternal grandparents grew up in “non-traditional” families I wonder how they would feel about me using donor eggs?  Is it going to matter to them?  Will they even understand the science behind it?

It was really nice talking with my mom about her life, family and the past.  Will I be able to share those same types of stories with my child?  Are the stories meaningful to me because they are about people I love or is it because they are people that are genetically related to me?  Personally genetic links don’t mean anything to me.  I will love my child the same regardless of a genetic link or not.  But I wonder if my child will ever regret this?  Will he or she feel robbed of “family history”?   Will he/she mourn the loss of his/her genetic links?  Will he/she be pissed off that he/she is not genetically related to me?   Or will I be successful in my teaching that genetics really don’t matter?  Do family trees really need to be bound by blood?  Does heritage really mean anything?  I’ve never felt the need to go on Ancestry.com and look up who I’m related to- I could care less.  But will my child care?  That’s the only thing I am concerned about regarding using donor eggs.  It won’t have an effect on me but how will it affect my child?   Our donor (Buttercup) was anonymous.  We received a VERY detailed profile of her and her family including her siblings, parents and grandparents.  We know what they all do for a living, how old they are, if they are living or deceased, what color hair and eyes they have and their medical history.  We know her mix of nationality and what percentage she is of each.  We know some of her best childhood memories, what she likes most about her parents, places she’s traveled and why she became an egg donor.  We know her talents, likes, dislikes, favorite things, hobbies, hopes and dreams.  But that’s it.  We know nothing else.  So does the buck stop with me or with Buttercup’s profile?

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2 responses to “The Buck Stops Here?

  1. It’s crazy isn’t it? (all the questions that you ask yourself). As somebody that is going through the process of donating eggs for the first time I am also filled with lots of questions and worries. It’s nice for me to read about this situation from “the other” side. I don’t have the answers but I think your baby will always see you as it’s true Mother, genetics are irrelevant. We all worry ourselves stupid when pregnant and you are no different hun, you just have slightly different worries that’s all.
    I look forward to following your journey xxxxx

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