Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs


on April 23, 2014


Courtesy heads up- pregnancy mentioned

“Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam. And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah and evah… So tweasuwe youw wove…”

For those of you who don’t know that quote is from the wedding scene in The Princess Bride.  Another thing you may or may not know- Mike and I are not married.  No big deal right?  Well, yeah no biggie to some people but to others- ugh!  Usually when you tell people you are pregnant the first question is usually “wow how far along?” or “is it a boy or a girl?” or “were you trying?”  But when you are not married the first question tends to be “are you getting married?”   Up until now the answer has always been “No” or “Maybe” or “Eventually”.  Neither one of us really ever had any strong desire to get married.  It wasn’t because we didn’t love each other or we weren’t committed to each other.  Yeah, that’s a good one- committed.  Someone actually said to me when they knew we were struggling with IVF “don’t you think you should hold off until you are both willing to commit to each other?”  Really?  Clearly this person has NO CLUE what infertility and IVF entails- especially when it comes to donor eggs.  Two people can’t possibly be any more committed to each other than to survive all that.  I mean if infertility doesn’t rip your relationship apart then there isn’t much that will.  And there is no stronger a commitment than supporting each other while you are dealt devastating blow after blow of disappointment and heartbreak.  And then there are the shots.  Yeah none of that would fly in a relationship that doesn’t ooze commitment.  Its not exactly convenient to be home at the same time every day for months on end to give (or receive) an over 2 inch needle in your ass every night.  So my response to that is- our commitment is powerfully kicking me in my uterus right now.  I digress- my apologies.  Soooo, yeah we never felt like we weren’t committed.  But having both been married once before (our dress rehearsals) we didn’t feel the need to be legally “married”.  For all intense purposes we already are married- we live together, have joint finances, squabble, rarely have sex and forget our anniversary.  What else is there to marriage?  In all seriousness, having been married and then divorced you see marriage differently.  To us marriage became just a piece of paper that made us “legal”.  The only things that really change once you get married are your last name (if you choose) and other tangible things like the ability to share medical insurance benefits or claim 1/2 upon divorce.  Your love doesn’t change.  How you feel about each other doesn’t change.  But in spite of all that we did say if we had a baby we would like to get married…one day…down the line…if we got around to it…for the kid’s sake…

Mike had been bringing up the M word for a while.  It’s funny because we were taking turns being the person wanting it.  At first I wanted it but he was hesitant because he hadn’t been divorced that long and his wounds (aka lawyer bills) had not healed yet.  Then he came around and I was the one with the “yeah let’s talk about it again in a year” excuses.  Then radio silence.  Neither of us brought it up again.  That was until now.  I’m not sure what about this pregnancy is making us both want to get married.  Experiencing it definitely makes us feel a lot closer to each other (not that I thought that was even possible).  Maybe me constantly referring to Mike as “Baby Daddy” makes us feel like less of a “family”?  Maybe me wanting to have the same last name as my baby has something to do with it?  I would be lying if I said that didn’t bother me.  Somehow (not saying its valid or rational) but not sharing the same genes OR last name with the baby kinda deep down inside made me feel a little left out.  A little like an outsider and I am Mike’s surrogate.  Again, probably hormone related thinking because yes that’s not true or rational.  Or maybe deep down inside, after all we’ve been through, we both just really want the fairytale complete with the Happily Ever After?  Whatever the reason may be we have BOTH, collectively at the same time, stars aligned, no holds barred have decided to tie the knot.  And I don’t mean the noose around the neck kind.  I mean that circle of metal burning through the flesh of our left hand, finger next to the pinky- we are getting married- gulp!

The next thing to decide was- when?  Before Jax or after Jax?  It seemed to make the most sense to do it before he comes.  With only 12 weeks left (or less if I don’t go full term) we were in a time crunch.  Then came the other questions: do we go to town hall and have a quickie or have something small with the family?  Ahh, decisions, decisions, decisions.  Then a light bulb went off in my head.  All of our family will be in town for my baby shower.  Starr is flying in from CO, Mike’s mom and step father are flying in from FL, my father and his wife are coming from NC…seems like a no brainer.  Soooooo- we are having a small ceremony at our house the same night as the baby shower.  The shower is over at 3pm, we will back up and drive down the road to my house, unpack and start the festivities.  We are having it catered so we can enjoy ourselves and don’t have to cook.  The officiant is coming between 5:30 and 6 for a short ceremony and then we can enjoy the rest of the evening with 40 of our closest family and friends.  No stress, no fuss, “I do, I do, we’re done.”  At least that was what I was planning but Mike seems to be making it into a lot more.  That’s ok though- I’m enjoying the process.




2 responses to “Mawwiage…

  1. lydiaseeks says:

    I so love the idea of a little at home wedding ceremony after your baby shower. Sounds like so much fun!

  2. That is going to be one awesome day! Congratulations for all the blessings in your life right now. I am so happy for you!

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