Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Lesson Learned- Don’t Jump The Gun On A BFP

on October 12, 2013

pregnancy-test

Since I’m suffering from stuffy sinuses and a sore throat I spent most of my morning on the couch with Pinterest.   Up until now I had been pinning miscarriage related stuff to my Infertility Quotes & Comics board.  I realize miscarriages deserve their own respect so from now on I won’t be lumping them in with the rest of the infertility related pins.  I created a board titled Miscarriages.   While separating out the pins I started to think of my own miscarriage.  For those of you who are new to my blog, my 1st DE IVF pregnancy resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  I know the miscarriage world is split whether or not a chemical pregnancy should be considered a miscarriage.  I get that it happened pre-ultrasound and seeing a heartbeat but for anyone who has had a chemical the pain of a loss is still very real.  Granted the pain of the loss would be much greater the further along the pregnancy progressed but it’s still pain.  The end result- the loss- is still very real.  I know I’m not worthy of the Strong Woman of the Year award.  Those awards should go to some of my friends who have endured the pain of later term loss.  Those are the strong women.  And for those who have lost their babies after they were born- well there is no award for you.  Instead you get your own cloud in heaven.  I can’t even begin to imagine that sort of loss or pain.  Nobody should have to bury their baby. 

I know when my pregnancy was confirmed and then lost I told my readers just that- not much else.  I know I promised to one day tell you how I told Mike I was pregnant but I haven’t been emotionally ready to do that until now.  The pain of our loss is still very real for me.  But I’m having another transfer in 2 weeks and its time to release that pain and make room in my heart for the hopes of a new miracle.  A miracle that will hopefully stick around this time.  So, as promised, here you go…

This is the little bean that was transferred into my womb and snuggled in for just a few weeks…

Little Bean 1

And these are some of the pee sticks that confirmed my bean liked it in there (even for a short while)…

pregnant     yes

I did the pee sticks a few days before my beta because I wanted to be able to surprise Mike out of the blue without him knowing to be waiting for a call with my beta results.  Infertility and IVF robs you of so much.  I wanted to be able to have a special moment that was not doctor prompted.  I did the digital pregnanancy tests first because they are supposed to be the most sensitive and a positive would definitely be a positive without having to squint to see a line or whether it was really there or if your mind was making you see it.  Digital test results only appear in the window for a few days and then they disappear.  Me being the typical pack rat of IVF paraphernalia of course I needed several other types of tests too.   Ones that would always stay and not disappear.  Of course I needed lots of sticks that would drain my wallet but fill up my hope chest.  I didn’t believe it at first.  I was totally expecting it to say Not Pregnant or No because I wasn’t feeling any symptoms.  My heart felt like I was pregnant but my mind was saying “you’re not lucky enough”.  Once the results sunk in I dropped to me knees and cried like a baby.  I sobbed.  The kind of crying where you can barely catch your breath and you drool.  I was also saying “thank you God” over and over.  I have never in my life felt that type of emotion where you are so shocked and surprised and grateful and vulnerable and humble.  It was such an overwhelming yet amazing feeling.

I had played out so many scenarios in my head of how I would tell Mike I was pregnant.  But once I held that positive stick in my hands all those ideas went out the window and I knew exactly what I was going to do.  I went to Buy Buy Baby and bought this book…

book

And then took a bunch of my positive pee sticks and created this on the table in our living room…

book with heart

When he came home from work I blindfolded him, walked him into the living room and revealed my work of pee stick art.  He said, “that’s cute honey but now you’re going to have to pee on all those” to which I replied, “nope, already done and they are all positive!”  He was in shock.  We hugged so tightly and cried.  Of course after that I text all my friends that were anxiously waiting for the news and then drove to my mom’s house to tell her.  She had the same reaction as Mike- shocked and then we hugged and cried.

Two days passed and I went in for my 1st beta test.  I was still testing positive on the sticks and thought I had this in the bag.   I confessed to the nurse that I had already tested and it was positive.  She in turn confessed that she already knew I was pregnant because they too had snuck some tests in earlier in the week.  Between the positive that the doctor saw and the positive digital tests we were all expecting a huge beta number.  I got the call later in the day…my beta was 13.  I had to have the nurse repeat it because I thought she meant 1,300.  I was told to remain positive and “cautiously optimistic”.  I then had to call Mike and give him the sad news.  That was on a Thursday and they didn’t want to do the 2nd beta until Monday.  We waited out the whole weekend still continuing the PIO shots and acting like we were having a baby.  By Monday, late afternoon, I got the call that my beta had dropped and I was labeled a chemical pregnancy.  I was told to stop the PIO shots and prepare for a period.  My positive pregnancy test turned into…

urfcuked

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5 responses to “Lesson Learned- Don’t Jump The Gun On A BFP

  1. Anonymous says:

    Sorry to hear the news. I just knew you would be successful this time.

  2. So sorry for your loss Hun. It’s painful no matter his far along we get.

  3. natjezzford says:

    A very moving story thanks for sharing, what a beautiful way to tell your husband. I am so sorry for your loss. I transfer in a week or so to, I hope it all goes well for u. B strong xx

  4. damelapin says:

    I think it’s still a miscarriage, either you hear a heart beat or not. I consider it a miscarriage when you get a +, then a -.
    Hope next time will be the ONE.

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