Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Ignorance Is Annoying

on September 14, 2013

ignorance_2

I found this article about a month ago on Twitter.  Naturally I reacted to it and wanted to blog about it.  What I was writing was very angry so I decided to step back, compose myself and get back to it when I was calmer.  Well, that was a month ago and I’m still pissed about it.  Here you go…

Being in the infertility world you undoubtably come across a hefty dose of ignorance from time.  Today happens to be one of them for me.  I stumbled upon this article on Twitter.  My blood literally boiled when I read it.   Not only is the “topic” utterly offensive but the questions are equally idiotic.  I’m insulted that Babble would have writers like this on their staff.  I’ve come across more informative, better written, journalistic blogs by teenagers.  The other thing that upsets me is Babble is “courtesy of Disney”.  Yeah, those aren’t my words- they wrote that.  Disney?  Really?  So this is what we are teaching our youth?  I’m appalled!

I don’t want to ruin the “story” for you if you read my comments first so read the article and then come back and read my comments after. 

Should We Be Sympathetic to a 42-Year-Old’s Fertility Struggles?

http://www.babble.com/mom/should-we-be-sympathetic-to-a-42-year-olds-fertility-struggles/

OK- is your blood boiling too?  This woman is clearly clueless.  Her bio says she is a comedian.  I hope this isn’t her attempt at comedy because if it is then the joke is on her.  I suspected (like that other woman’s article that boiled my blood) that this was her attempt at the celebrity beaver shot.  She even half confessed that “I didn’t want to write something knee-jerk and inflammatory that would make great link bait but earn me lots of contempt.”  Well lady, sorry but now you’ve earned more contempt because if this was NOT knee-jerk and actually thought out then I’m even more offended by the article. 

In response to the title- Yes, you should be sympathetic to anyone’s struggle because the term struggle is evidence that it’s not easy.  And if anyone “struggles” with anything it sucks. 

Who is she to judge someone without knowing what their story is?  Not every woman in their early 40’s that is trying to conceive is doing it as an after thought.  Many of us have been desperately wanting a child for a long, long time.   Most people are on this roller coaster for years and still there’s no end in site.  Personally, I’ve always wanted a baby.  I didn’t get married until I was 30 and didn’t have children then but it was not for lack of trying.  And that relationship didn’t last either. It’s not my fault that it took me so long to find my soul mate.  And we have been trying for 3 years but it wasn’t until a little over a year ago that we started with IVF.

How could she be so angry?  Didn’t she see this coming?  First of all, rarely do people ever feel statistics apply to them.  The wrong side of statistics are always supposed to be for “someone else”.  If people believed that they would fall on the wrong side of statistics we would have a lot less smokers.  You never foreshadow that you might not have a baby- especially if you really want one.  That’s a thought that never enters your head.  People rarely plan for the worst.  Having the wherewithal to freeze your eggs when you’re young enough as a protection plan for future children is almost as unheard of as hiring a divorce lawyer on the same day you get married.  People don’t think bad things will happen.   Not to mention the first “rule” of trying to conceive tends to be “relax, think positive and it will happen.”  Yeah- NO.

In her questions regarding online dating- were you looking for a husband?  Or just enjoying the ride?  Really?  Basically she’s asking this person if she is a whore or not- how rude.

…how do you reconcile waiting so long– ugh!  I can’t believe she went there.  Why don’t you rub salt in a wound.  You “reconcile” it by having to go thru expensive, painful procedures, take shots in the ass and possibility have to give up a link to you genetics by using donor  eggs.  None of that is easy, fun, inexpensive or a walk in the park.  And if IVF is the “reconcile” or price you pay for “waiting” then most of us infertilies are paying- dearly- in more ways than one.

She also references a friend that had miscarriages but wasn’t interested in adopting because “her goal was to have her own child.”  Really?  I bet if you ask any parent who had a child via adoption or egg donation or embryo donation if they feel like that child is THEIRS they would say HELL YES!!!!!!!  Raising, nurturing, loving a child is what makes you a mother, not the act of birthing a child.   Not to mention all the step-parents that are raising children as “their own”.  And guess what lady- adoption isn’t as easy as everyone thinks.  I’ve known plenty of people who adopted but they didn’t have their familiy until going through years of paperwork, home studies, red tape, extreme expense and birth parents that changed their mind.  It’s not like getting a puppy where you can decide you want one and you just go to the pound and pick one out and take it home. 

This line cracks me up “I mentioned on Facebook a while back that women should take the time they need to try to find a truly healthy love relationship, but that if they don’t find a great partner by their mid-30’s, they should just have a baby  alone.”  Yeah- great advice!  As if that is any easier than finding a great partner!  Is that the advise she will give her own daughter?  IVF is hard enough to get through with a great partner.  I can’t imagine the women that do it alone- kudos to you!  Another thing she is failing to realize is that a lot of women don’t just want a baby, they want a family.  I get that the white picket fence is not feasible for all but we all want the fairytale- or at least a watered down version of it.   I don’t remember any disclaimers in those Disney books that said, “Caution: this may not apply to you.  You might die old and barren and alone.”

This entire article makes me sad and angry.  The only saving grace is Amy Klein.  Regardless of whatever reason she waited to have kids (by choice or shitty circumstances) she took charge and is working to have her dream come true.  I hope the writer’s daughter grows up to have more compassion for others than her mom does!  I also pray her daughter finds a “great partner” and has lots of healthy babies (if she chooses) and never has to experience the pain of infertility.

little girls

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4 responses to “Ignorance Is Annoying

  1. Lisette says:

    I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe that was even published. It’s like we’re reverting back to the Middle Ages.

  2. damelapin says:

    I haven’t read it – just the title gets me up the roof!

  3. a.e.g. says:

    Hmm … and what about those of us who marry our soul mate at age 23 and start trying to have a baby … at age 23? What does this clueless author have to say about that? Women “arrive” to the place of finding their spouses/partners and wanting babies at different ages …. Wanting a family feels the same for women of every age, 20-40, but some of us have to fight to get it.

  4. Dipitie says:

    Annoying is too nice of a word. That woman is an asshole. My blood is boiling.

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