Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

This Too Shall Suck!

on August 12, 2013

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Well I got the call.  Vomit always crawls up your throat the minute you hear, “oh honey I wish I had better news…”  So long story short- my beta #’s dropped.  The bean will be leaving us shortly.  I was told to stop my shots and I should get my period within a few days.  All this just in time to welcome house guests from Thurs to Sat.  With their little baby no less.  And we can’t even cancel on them because this has been planned for a while and they have scheduled a whole trip around us- ugh!

So now my little bean will forever be known as a chemical pregnancy.  I loath that term.  Technically it’s not a clinical pregnancy until you can see the gestational sac etc. blah, blah, blah.  Any pregnancy prior to that which can only be detected by blood test, home pregnancy test etc. is considered a chemical.  That terminology in my mind trivializes it.  I’m not less heartbroken because I didn’t see a gestational sac.  Granted I was spared further excitement and eventual disappointment but it still hurts.  Labeling my bean “chemical” is just not right.  I saw a sign once that said, “A broken heart and broken ribs are the same- they both make it hard to breathe.”  That’s totally true- I can’t breathe right now. 

I feel bad for myself but I think I feel worse for M.  I made such a big deal, exciting announcement to him when I found out I was pregnant.  I haven’t blogged the details about that but I will- eventually.  Now we are both shattered.  As a man he is not equipped to deal with this type of sorrow.  He will have no idea how to comfort me or how to make it better and that will be pure torture for him. 

The silver lining out of all this is I was pregnant.  Even if just for a short while it did happen.  So at least we know I can get pregnant.  I have to hold faith that the only reason it didn’t stick was because the embryo was not good.  It was missing chromosomes or had too many or something that isn’t good.  Lucky for us we still have 4 frosties so we have 4 more chances at being parents.  I just have to imagine that this bean was the 5th dentist that didn’t like Trident gum.  I will allow myself a short, very short, pity party and then dust myself off and get back on the wild bronco known as infertility.  I’m not giving up this easy.  I’m WAY too proud and determined and well, polish for that matter, to give up.  I’m a stubborn mule and telling me “I can’t” makes me fight even harder.  Fuck you infertility!  You’ve met your match!

I am extremely blessed and thankful for the support group I have.  From M and my mom to Starr and all my FB group friends right down to my blog followers who have been praying and routing for me.  Thank you from the deepest depths of my soul.  I know I will not be able to get through this without each and every one of you.  I am truly thankful to have you in my life.  I know you’re hearts are hurting for me too but it will be OK.  You all know I’m a strong chickie girl. 

Tomorrow I will call my doctor and make my WTF appointment.  Yes, WTF, as in What the Fuck?  That’s what us infertilies call it.  The nurse that called said I could start up again ASAP.  I will start taking the birth control pills as soon as I get my period and do a transfer as soon as possible after that.   So this blog will continue- you are all stuck with me for a little longer.  For now I will try to get this broken cork out of my bottle of wine so I can get my drink on- CHEERS! 

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13 responses to “This Too Shall Suck!

  1. Oh gosh that totally sucks. Love the picture at the bottom though!! Take care x

  2. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you. Take care xoxo

  3. Kitten says:

    I am so sorry. I hate that term, chemical pregnancy, too. Doesn’t do it justice. ((hugs))

  4. hopobopo says:

    Sorry, This f-in blows wallow in your pity, I’ve been doing it for 2 years now. But when you’ve had enough kick off the dust, and I will be there cheering you on. See, you are my hope, when we start with our egg donor hopefully in Nov.

  5. Mallivan Olinger says:

    I am sorry to hear this. Bright side like you said you did get a bfp 🙂 It will happen again and stick!

  6. Lauren says:

    Like everyone else, I’m so sorry. I have been through a chemical pregnancy – I agree I hate that term – and an early miscarriage. They were both devastating. I am so inspired by your positive attitude. Hang in there…my fingers are crossed for your next cycle.

  7. newtoivf says:

    I’m so sorry, ‘chemical’ pregnancy is such a bull shit term. thinking of you x

  8. hope says:

    so sorry to hear the news.

  9. Anonymous says:

    So sorry to hear this. I was really rooting for you! Next one will be a sticky 🙂

  10. lydiaseeks says:

    Oh man, I’m so sorry to read this. Take care of yourself.

  11. This really does suck. Years ago I had what I guess was a “chemical.” (Positive test, 12 days late.) That term sucks and doesn’t nullify the pain you feel in any way. But you have such a positive attitude and I do fully believe you will get pregnant again and the little one will stick around. Hugs!

  12. Kass says:

    Girl, I did not expect this news. I’m so sorry and it totally sucks. As I said before, you’ll be a great mom and I’ll be coming over here until that happens. You may have fallen off the horse, but you’re ready to get back on it again. I’m so happy to see that, don’t you ever lose that attitude! 🙂 Sending lots of hugs!

  13. Dipitie says:

    I’m so sorry (((HUGS)))

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