Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Current Residence- Purgatory

on August 12, 2013


Ever since Thursday I’ve been feeling like I’m living in purgatory.  My Beta of 13 has me stuck between heaven and hell.   Of all fucking #’s mine has to come up as 13?!  Really??!!  It couldn’t be 12 or 14 but had to be 13.  13 is a purgatory in itself because it’s either really bad luck or really good luck.  Fuck my life!  Why can’t anything ever be easy?   

So since I’m in purgatory I did what any good sinner is supposed to do and repented.  For what I’m not sure because I’ve been an angel lately.  To my knowledge I’ve done no wrong.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve groveled enough for past sins during my own egg cycles.  I still pretended to be pregnant all weekend.  I continued to Google everything before I put it in my mouth to make sure it was “bean worthy”.  I didn’t go in the ocean although it looked so fabulous.  Instead i stayed on my beach chair, under the umbrella snacking on carrot sticks and drinking my water.   I tried my best to relax and stay positive.  M keeps reminding me that positivity is what is needed.  Really?  Because I’ve been pretty positive this whole TTC time.  I was jumping out of my shoes positive thru 3 failed cycles.  See where that got me.  It’s easy for him to say because he’s only emotionally invested in this- not physically.  If he wanted to “relax” he could go for a swim or have a few beers or pig out on junk food or have a hardcore workout or have a cigarette or whatever it is people do to relax.  Hell he could even jerk off if he wanted to.  I cannot do any of those things.  Not even the stress relieving orgasm.  Yup, none of that until doctor approved.  We wouldn’t want to do anything that could cause contractions.   Of course that rule doesn’t apply to crack whores.  Nope, they can fuck strangers all night, every night to get more money for their drugs and they get pregnant all the time.  Gotta love it when a crack whore has an easier go then you.

So I’m stuck in purgatory with nothing but my healthy food and my hamsters.  Those buggers have been spinning on their wheels like never before.  I keep trying to smash them in the head with a heavy dose of positive but it’s not working.  Debbie Downer has her fur all in a bunch and What If, well he’s gone and rubbed all his fur off he’s been spinning on that wheel so much.  So now I have a hamster with dreads and a bald red assed hamster spinning in my head.  There really isn’t much for me to do but sit here staring at my phone waiting for my call.  I feel like I’m on death row and about to be executed.  Will the governor call and give me a pardon or will they flick the switch on my little bean?  Being that the Governor of NJ is Chris Christie I’m hoping he’s on his toes ready for some good public relations and not in a donut shop somewhere stuffing his face.


8 responses to “Current Residence- Purgatory

  1. NICOLE says:

    I am not sure there is a Hell and “My God” would not put anyone there (or allow them to go there). No one…not even Hitler or Manson…should have to burn for all Eternity. It is the most heinous and cruel thing I can think of.
    It shows a lack of awareness about the human condition and the disordered mind; many people cannot help their actions due to their upbringing and/or mental capacity.
    And I would think that a divine and knowing God would rather place evil-doers in a situation where they can learn and experience the effects they had on others because of their greed and sadistic behavior. And one day they can achieve a ‘higher’ status…that be…a place such as Heaven.

  2. Mallivan says:

    Did you do your beta already today? I am praying for you. I hope it’s way up! It’s just gotta be!!!

  3. NICOLE says:

    Huh? I think I am not right for this site. I am not a Right-Wing Christian. I believe in many faiths and prefer to think of “The Cool Jesus”…not the wrath of the Old Testament.

    • my1111wish says:

      I’m not sure if you follow my blog or just happened upon this site but its all about infertility. Its the bad and the ugly and occasionally the good (but rarely as there really isn’t much good behind infertility). The words purgatory, heaven and hell are reality based metaphors. I’m not sure if you are an infertile or not but maybe you can pray to your Cool Jesus for me.

      • Kitten says:

        This is why I usually just say “limbo”…. Whatever the semantics, I hate that you’re anywhere but firmly in pregnancy land.

  4. hope says:

    thinking of you and wishing the bean was just off to a slow start and is now all busy unpacking and getting settled for the next 9 months

  5. Anonymous says:

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you! Really hope your second beta is a great number 🙂 xx

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