Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

HELLO, Hello, helloooo

on August 1, 2013


No, I’m not comparing my vagina to the grand canyon.  Well, I guess I kinda am- not by size but by echo comparison.  I am shouting to see if anyone is there and its sounding pretty hollow.  Granted, I am only 3 days past a 5 day transfer but I was hoping to feel something.  I know its way too early to feel anything regardless if it’s on the side of great fortune or grime fate.  I wish after a transfer you would have blue hair or a pink fingernail or a glowing zit or something that let’s you know there is something growing inside you.  Instead I feel hollow and numb.

For those who don’t know what happens after a transfer here is an approximate timeline-

5-Day Transfer

Days Past
Transfer (DPT)
Embryo Development
One The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four Implantation continues
Five Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

In science class I learned that a positive and a negative cancel each other out.  Its simple math.  If you have zero and you add one and then subtract one you are back to zero.  I think my numbness is from my emotions cancelling each other out.  I’m afraid to be too positive and afraid to be too negative.  I want to hope but am scared I might be setting myself up for heartbreak.  M keeps telling me he is “cautiously optimistic”.  Really?  What the fuck it that?  My interpretation is “I want to be excited but don’t want to feel like a fool if I’m wrong”.  I guess I can smell a little of that wafting my way.  My problem is I WANT to be excited.  I want to bathe in the lofty ideal of being pregnant if only in my head and if only for 2 weeks.  I want to relish this possibility.   My body just won’t let me.  In fact, I keep forgetting I had a transfer.   The only time I remember is when I go to eat or drink something that I’m not supposed to.  Good morning, reach for some coffee- nope you can’t have that you might be pregnant.  Wine sounds really good with dinner- nope again you might be pregnant.  And so the story goes…

One of my girlfriends (yeah you Bella) asked me when I was going to POAS (pee on a stick) aka do a home pregnancy test.  I told her not until the day before my beta.  She said she was impressed with my will power.  Unfortunately it’s not will power- its more like denial.  Many girls start doing them 5 days after the transfer.   To me that is torture.  You can easily get a false positive or false negative.  The drugs are still in your body and the bean isn’t usually big enough to be letting off its bean scent (hCG).  Most RE’s don’t do the blood test until 9 days after the transfer.  I’m going to wait until the day before my beta to POAS.   Infertility robs you of so much that I would like to be able to at least do one thing the old-fashioned way.  Plus I need to be prepared for when I get my beta results.  God forbid it’s a BFN (big fat negative) I do not want to first hear of it while at work.  If I take a home test I can at least be forewarned.  But if it’s a BFP (big fat positive) then I will go to Costco and get pee sticks by the bulk and be handing them out to everyone I know.  So for right now, this is the plan- my beta is Aug 8 but Mike thinks its Aug 9.  I will POAS on Aug 7 and then do the beta on Aug 8.  If positive, I will know based on the beta level the likelihood of the little bean sticking around or not.  If its a nice high # I will plan a surprise for M the night of the 8th.  I still don’t know what that surprise is going to be yet so  suggestions are welcome.

So no symptoms, no crazy negativity and very suppressed excitement is where I’m at.  I really, really want to be cautiously optimistic.  Fuck, I’ll even be full-fledged optimistic with no sign of caution.  I just can’t get there- wahhh!  I honestly don’t know what this is.  I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never made it to transfer before so I’m in shock.  Or if deep down in the bowels of my hamsters I feel this won’t work.  I don’t know and I wish I did.  I don’t even bother to look for blood on the toilet paper so I can stress over whether its implantation bleeding or my period.  Maybe, just maybe, my body listened to the letter I wrote it and its protecting me.  Its making me feel neutral to the whole concept so that I won’t stress or get too excited or too nervous.  Hmmm?  Well, I guess I’ll just be hanging out- little old numb me waiting to see if I’m with bean or not.   For most people the 2ww stands for 2 week wait but for me its more like 2 week whatever.


3 responses to “HELLO, Hello, helloooo

  1. Kass says:

    Hey, happy to see you’re PUPO!! And neutral is good, it’s really good, much better than going cockoo in either extreme. 🙂 I don’t think you’re supposed to feel anything yet, although I’m totally with you that positive symptoms would be very welcome. 🙂 Visualizing (not in a sick way) that your embaby is snuggling comfortably inside and growing healthy! 🙂

  2. I think u have a healthy outlook on this. i felt panicky and very stressed. esp the first time. sounds like ur in a better place.

  3. hope says:

    Congratulations on being so calm. August 8th is almost here!

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