Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Thankful For My Failures

on July 19, 2013


There are very few of my failures that I have not learned something from.  In fact, most of my failures have led to successes that were bigger than they would have been if they had not come on the heels of failure.  IVF is no acceptation to this.  As devastating as it was to not have success with my own eggs it has made me stronger, prepared and willing to make the leap to donor eggs.  Had I not had 3 unsuccessful failures under my belt the mental and emotional process of donor eggs would be horrific for me.  Fortunately I have good insurance and was able to give myself an honest shot at my eggs.  I really feel that these failures gave me the determination to find something else that could work.  It’s like trying to take a red hot pot out of the oven bare handed.  How many times are you going to let yourself get burned before you head to Bed, Bath and Beyond for oven mitts?  I had the same sort of experience when I needed eyeglasses.  I got away without wearing them for most of my life.  Lucky for me I’m far-sighted in one eye and near-sighted in the other.  My eyes pretty much compensated for each other.  The result was migraines.  Eventually the migraines were becoming a little too frequent to handle.  But it wasn’t until I started hitting parked cars that I broke down and went to the eye doctor.  My body was too old to work on its own without assistance.  Clearly my reproductive system is as bad as my eye sight.  I went from no glasses to tri-focals and boy was there a learning curve.  It was very interesting to walk down stairs when I first got them.  You need to literally put your head down to see where you are stepping.  If you just look from the bottom of the glasses everything is magnified and the step looks like its right under your chin.  Anyone watching me walk down the stairs must have thought I was drunk or pretending to walk on the moon.  It only took a few embarrassing falls to remind myself to look down with my head.  I’m sure the same learning curve will apply to being a donor egg recipient mom.  I’m sure there will yet again be a few embarrassing falls but eventually I’ll get the hang of it.  The ironic (yet obvious) thing with getting glasses was that I could see.  It was amazing and I remember mentally spanking myself for not getting glasses sooner.  I might spank myself again when I’m pregnant for not using donor eggs sooner.  But I’m happy with my delay right now because my own egg failures taught me so much.

As you all know I’m a fertility forum junkie.  As much as I complain about it I still go to them.  If I have a forum free day my fingers start to shake from withdrawal.  Because I’m in the center of the infertility vortex it’s still interesting to me to read what others are going through.   And because I’m living it I like to attempt to help others from my experiences.  Of course this occasionally lands me in trouble or pissed off as noted in prior posts.  For the most part I really enjoy being helpful.   Whenever I see a thread that says “new here- need some advise” I always try to comment.  Even if I have nothing helpful to say I at least like to welcome that person and let them know I can relate and sympathize with their fears.  I try to tell them it gets better.  I leave out the part that it will get worse first and just shoot to the final result that it does get better or at least easier to handle.  I remember going to the vampires one day and sitting in the blood suckee chair next to a woman who was obviously a newbie.  From what I can gather from the conversation she must have had some failed attempts at IUI or wasn’t a candidate.  They were talking to her about signing up for the IVF orientation.  The look on her face broke my heart.  She looked completely overwhelmed, devastated and horrified.  I remember being there myself a year ago and if I had to guess she probably wanted to vomit.  I wanted to hug her and tell her she’s in shock right now but she will make it through this.  I wanted to let her know that it would be ok but I didn’t want her to vomit on me.  Just kidding, I didn’t say anything because I could tell she was embarrassed she wore the mask of shame.  Out of respect to her I spared her my words and just gave her a sympathetic frown.

I remember my own egg cycle days.  I had post its and charts and check marks everywhere.  I had more rituals than a witch.  It would start with the anxiety of whether or not the needle would hurt.  Even if I had gotten them already I would get worried that this one might hurt differently than the day before.  I had alarms and iphone pop up reminders 10 minutes before shot time so I could prepare.  I would lay all my needles out, scrub my hands like I was performing surgery and line up all my good luck charms.  I would wipe the shot site with one alcohol pad for what seemed like and hour.  I would use a different alcohol pad for each vial.  I would breathe like I was doing lamaze and look away for each shot.  After the shot I would log the time, dose and exact location it was done on my tummy.  I was a nut.  3 strikes later and I’ve realized I don’t have time for that shit.  Nothing I did with my own egg cycles brought me success.  This is my journey- it is what it is.  And whether or not its a success or failure is not going to be effected by the amount of preparation, stress or anxiety I put into it.  But thank God I got that all out of my system BEFORE having to use donor eggs.  No matter how ready you might be to take the leap it’s still going to come with its own set of emotional baggage.  There are so many other things to worry about.  I can’t imagine having to use donor eggs as my very first introduction to IVF.  So broken, battered eggs I would like to salute you.  Thank you for being the guinea pig and giving my mind a practice run on what goes on with IVF.  Your shit show has paved the way for my success.


3 responses to “Thankful For My Failures

  1. hopobopo says:

    Ain’t nobody got time for that! I like your bluntness

  2. Georgia Peach :) says:

    You understand my situation right? not even ONE IVF with my own eggs and I am told, it would be worthless to even try. Should I be thankfull for not wasting my time? don’t know..I am still on the “denial phase”…but glad there is still hope 🙂

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