Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

I Have A Secret To Share

on July 17, 2013


I’m going to let you all in on a little secret.  Some of  you may already know but most of you don’t.  Once you know it and understand it your journey will be much easier.  This secret will save you from a lot of anguish and tears.  It will also force you to limit who you share your trying to conceive mission with.  Ready?  Here it is- nobody cares!

Do you feel like you just got slapped in the face?  Well you did!  Sorry- don’t kill the messenger. OK, maybe “nobody” is pretty general so let me rephrase that to 99.8% of people don’t care.  Why?  Because it’s not affecting them.  You are going to find out, hopefully sooner than later, that the only few people who really care you are TTC are your significant other, maybe your parents, other infertiles and if you are lucky a few of your close friends who really, really care about you.  Other than that- nobody.  And not caring doesn’t mean they don’t like you or they don’t love you it just means they don’t know enough about it to ask or it makes them feel weird or it could also mean that they are too busy with their own day-to-day life.  I constantly see on the message boards people writing, “I’m so upset, so and so knows we have been trying and they never ask how its going” or “my bff knows we had our retrieval but didn’t ask how many eggs we got”.  Think back to your pre-TTC days.  Did you know anyone going through it?  Did you ask?  If not- why?  Is it because you didn’t know IVF required a ton of shots and doctor visits and procedures and heartbreak?  Or did you not want to pry or put the person in an awkward position to say it didn’t work?  Did you just think the person would tell you when she was pregnant?  Did you simply just forget?

I have a few friends that ask.  Usually they are the ones that know every step of the way and have learned the  terminology.  My gay friend, who is repulsed by vaginas, knows all about twat cams and butt shots.  He always asks me how I’m doing and if my ass is sore.  Sometimes I say, “yes, is yours?”  M’s mom asks in general terms but doesn’t want to know the day-to-day activities- it stresses her out.  My mom doesn’t need to ask because I signed her up to follow my blog- lol.  Then again, my mom usually doesn’t have to ask me anything about my life because I’m an open book with her.  I tell her everything- sometimes too much- hehe.  My good friend Starr always asks because, well I guess she really cares.  My friend Kristen asks- on a daily basis via text- because she is going through it as well.  And I always know her schedule and make sure to ask her.  Other than that I no longer expect people to ask.  After a while you just get tired of explaining it.  I used to get so frustrated when my friends who know about our struggles wouldn’t ask how things are going.  And when I would bring it up I constantly had to explain to them what a retrieval was or a transfer.  Forget having to explain fertilization and implantation and the 2 week wait.  And beta #’s might as well be cave drawings to most people.  It’s all a lot to take in- even for the people living it.  Some people might not ask because it’s all too overwhelming.  And some just don’t want to know because they are afraid it may one day happen to them and they just can’t deal with that thought.  And then there are some that (drum roll please) simply don’t agree with it.  Those are the people you should stop talking about it with.  They are the people who want to forget you are using science to create a family.  Some of these people are ones you would least expect to feel that way.  I have one friend who is pretty open-minded to a lot of things.  I figured IVF would be one of them but apparently not.  That’s OK though- it’s not her body or her life.  I have another friend, a teacher no less, that just can’t seem to comprehend the science of assisted reproduction.  No matter how many times I’ve tried to explain to her that we are getting eggs and fertilizing them with M’s sperm and I will carry the baby and give birth and all that jazz she still calls me a surrogate.  Hopefully she does a better job at teaching math or history or whatever her thing is. 

What this all boils down to is- you.  Let go of the fantasy that people will be so concerned with what you are doing that they will constantly inquire.  Forget about trying to suck people into your calendar and schedule.  Focus on you and creating your family.  You will be much less stressed and way less hurt by those around you.  Just remember, those who don’t ask how you’re doing now won’t be able to help themselves when they see your big baby bump.  And if those people still don’t ask invite them to the baby shower anyway so they at least have to send a gift.


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