Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

The Voodoo That You Do

on July 16, 2013


I did it.  The silly girl that I am went ahead and got myself excited for this cycle.  With my transfer as close as 13 days away I can’t help but be excited.  And as I’m writing this blog about superstitions I realize that ironically I wrote it when it could be 13 days away.  Kinda creepy since 13 is a superstitious #.  WTF!  I’m starting to dream baby again.  I created a separate Pinterest so I can create boards of nursery ideas and pregnancy announcements and all kinds of baby stuff.  Who is this me?  I’m not that girl.  I’m normally a glass half empty kinda person.   Is it possible that when God steered me toward donor eggs he also brought me a smaller glass?  I find myself getting annoyed with my excited self.  I’m so afraid to jinx it.  I know the reality is that this might not work.  I know the statistics are high for me that it will work (81%) but that leaves a 19% failure rate.  Which side of the statistics will I be on?  Is this my time?  Are the stars finally set to align for me?  Or do I still have a future of miscarriages and failed cycles waiting for me?  This cycle has been so easy compared to my past cycles.  I’ve had less shots, less side effects, less complications, less anxiety.  So should that bring more hope?  Since everything has been opposite of my own egg cycles does that mean the results will be opposite as well?  Even M has changed.  He’s started to say “when you are pregnant” instead of “if you get pregnant”.   Does he also subconsciously feel like this is going to work?  I really feel that way but then I slap myself on the wrist for thinking like that.  How are you supposed to feel?  I know people say positive thoughts bring positive results but I also know innocent children get molested and die a slow death from cancer.  Bad things happen to good people every day.  So even if I shit four leaf clovers and piss rainbows that doesn’t mean everything will be ok.  I have a daily battle in my body between my heart and mind.  My heart says put everything you have into this but my mind says to be realistically cautious.  Being a true Gemini I’m pretty used to the internal split of emotions.  I’m forever conflicted about everything.  But baby stuff is so cute and fun.  What’s cuter than pudgy little baby feet?  What smells better than a baby fresh from a bath?  What sounds better than that little baby coo?  The answer- nothing!  So back to Pinterest I go.  And if things don’t work in my favor this time hopefully we will have a full nest of eggs waiting for us to try again. 

And speaking of Pinterest, I found the cutest way to announce WHEN we are pregnant.  The few people that know about us using donor eggs will chuckle at it and other will just think its cute.  And then down the line when we are more open that we used a donor I can direct people to the announcement and say “hey, we told you way back then”



3 responses to “The Voodoo That You Do

  1. hope says:

    You should totally get excited!!! After all the BS and crappy results you have been through, if you still have optimism left, run with it. Heck, if you can, bath in it. Get it behind your ears and where the endometrium doesn’t shine. Oh wait…, it does go there. But if you have a ticket out, don’t spend another day in sad IF land. (And I agree with your husband that it will work!)

  2. my1111wish says:

    OK- I pinky swear I will hose myself down in it tonight and take each night as it comes. I’m going to try. My only fear, from past experience, is if I board that plane and it crashes instead of arriving at the correct destination I could end up like all those people on Lost lol. Thanks for your support!

  3. Cute announcements! Lol. that pic at the top is hillarious. i feel a lot the way u described about my pregnancy.

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