Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Sometimes HOPE is a 4 Letter Word

on July 16, 2013


I’m cracking up because I just realized I mentioned in a previous post that I buy pre-seed.  For those of you who are not familiar, most personal lubricants contain spermicide or some other non-sperm friendly agent.  Probably at your first RE appointment you were told or will be told to stop using KY or any other lubricant and stick with something fertility friendly like pre-seed.   My RE also said it’s totally safe to use any type of cooking oil.  Ah, no thanks- I don’t want to think of my vag as a chicken cutlet or a salad. 

Something else you may or may not know yet- there is nothing that will kill your sex life more than infertility.  You are most likely going to be totally stressed- all day, every day.  I’ve heard it said that men have sex to relieve sex while women first need to be relieved of stress in order to have sex.  This is true so no sex for you. 

One would think that if you want to have a baby you should have as much sex as possible.  This is true for normal people but not infertiles.  If you are infertile “they” (the doctors) place rules on you that make your sex life as fun as a paper cut.  If you are doing timed sex or having an IUI you are told specifically when you CAN have sex.  Other than that you shouldn’t be having it- gotta store up that baby batter for your squirt session with the doctor.  You will probably have a calendar with check marks- have sex here, no sex here, sex, sex, skip, skip, skip, squirt session, sex, skip, sex.  Sometimes its even broken down to a specific time.  You might have had an incredibly long tiring day and same for husband but if he walks in the door at 9pm and that’s your sex time well then that’s your sex time.  Here is where the lube comes in.  Timed sex is by no means spontaneous sex.  It’s completely different- its forced, its specific, its calculated, its lame.  There is no time for foreplay and all that stuff normal sexers engage in.  Its gotta be a wham-bam-thank you ma’am!  Lube is a must!     Another lube-tastic time is when you are on your stims.  Many of them that will totally kill your libedo.  And if it doesn’t kill it then it totally fucks with you by making you horny but dry as a desert.  Again, lube is a must.  Warning: Don’t be surprised if you can’t achieve an orgasm- that’s another “fuck with you” effect.  Then there will be times where you have no real urge to have sex but you want to feel close to your significant other and want him to stick you with something other than a needle- yup, a little dab will do ya!  So basically, all RE’s should be handing out barrels of pre-seed at your first appointment.  It should be like the gift bag you get at the Oscars.  Bag-o-Lube for everyone- party on!

FYI- if you are doing IVF don’t think you have dodged the sex rule bullet- you will still have sex rules.  Most RE’s don’t want the man to ejaculate 3 to 5 days before the retrieval.  Then you can bang a little while your eggs are fertilizing but then no sex after transfer until your child is 18 years old- or at least until the 1st ultrasound.    You can have the Bill Clinton kind of sex but no vaginal penetration and no orgasm.  As I’ve pointed out in previous posts “no orgasm sex” is as pointless as decaf coffee and non-alcoholic beer.

FYI #2- pre-seed or any of the sperm friendly lube will cost you 3 times the amount as regular lube.  Why?  It’s not because it costs more to make it sperm friendly.  If anything it costs more to make and add the spermicide.  They charge you more because THEY CAN.  They’ve got you!  You are a target audience of desperate people who will do anything to have a baby.  They can charge you whatever they want and you will buy it.  Just like you will take out a 2nd mortgage and go into forever debt to finance even the CHANCE to have a baby.   When you see the price tag you might give that cooking oil another thought.  At least you can buy that in bulk at Costco.

As for me, I buy the expensive stuff although I really have no need to.  My eggs suck and M’s sperm chase their tails.  Even if one of his dizzy sperm happened to find a random rotten egg of mine it couldn’t get in.  And if it got in it would just sit there with its thumb up its sperm ass with nothing to do.  Its kinda like when you spin a small child around and then watch it try to walk.  It’s all very funny until that child falls and smacks its head into the coffee table and then you’re rushing it to the ER.  That’s when something fun turns into a tragedy and you realize maybe that wasn’t such a good idea after all.  Yup, that’s the combination of my egg and M’s sperm- sounds like a good idea yet would end in a tragedy.   So why continue to buy the “special sauce”?  Because I’m a stupid little girl who has watched one too many Disney movies.  Deep down inside I want to believe the fairytale.  I want to hang on to Hope.   


7 responses to “Sometimes HOPE is a 4 Letter Word

  1. Kitten says:

    “Even if one of his dizzy sperm happened to find a random rotten egg of mine it couldn’t get in. And if it got in it would just sit there with its thumb up its sperm ass with nothing to do.” This made me spit out my tea and laugh so hard my throat hurts! You should send this post to PreSeed: best damn endorsement ever!

  2. Dipitie says:

    I agree with the above wholeheartedly. Although, I think admitting that they charge us more because they got us… regardless of it’s truth, I think they would be hesitant to endorse that part. I still laugh when someone tells me a miracle could happen. I actually use the sperm-unfriendly lubricant (when I actually have sex – HA!), rarely time shit, never stick my legs in the air, drink as much as possible, eat gluten, and everything else you’re supposed to do/give up when TTC, because if I’m getting a fucking miracle, is going to have to do a little work to make it happen.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I’m damn proud of you, my friend!

  4. my1111wish says:

    lol- I tweeted it to pre-seed although I’m guessing they won’t like being accused of robbing us lol. And yes, if some of us do “accidently” get pregnant it will be a miracle and a shrine will need to be constructed. Thanks to my anonymous friend for being proud of me 🙂

  5. I still will use preseed too. I like it better than ky. I hate even the THOUGHT of cooking oil. Shudder. And even tho I know there is no hope, my crazy mind has thought maybe we will try naturally for #2 for a bit. Fat freaking chance!! Where do I get that nonsense hope?

  6. my1111wish says:

    Yeah KY smells like play doh. I love play doh but M frowns upon me trying to make little characters out of his penis. You still carry hope because its in your blood- we are silly little aliens.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I just burst out laughing at “Ah, no thanks- I don’t want to think of my vag as a chicken cutlet or a salad.”

    Bahaha hilarious. “Honey, can you pass the olive oil?” LOL 😛

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