Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

My Friend Isn’t The Only One In The Closet

on June 12, 2013

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I love my gays!  I have all sorts of gay friends- mostly men since I have that trust thing with women regardless of sexual preference.   Some of my gay friends appear heterosexual and others are total flamboyant bitchy queens.  To quote ones observation of the other “honey he’s so gay he’s got flames shooting out his asshole.”  I laugh every time I think of this- you would too if you could have seen the person saying it.  I’m know as the fruit fly because they told me I’m too cute to be a “fag hag”, which is fine because I personally despise that term. 

I’m more “IVF out” to my gay friends than I am to my straight friends.  I feel like they can relate to me more with my family building struggles.  Brett & Sean would LOVE to be daddies but I doubt it will ever happen for them which breaks my heart.  Sure “they can adopt” is what people will say- but it’s really not that easy.  They have considered adoption and surrogacy but as of yet have not been able to move forward with it.  Shows like Modern Family and The New Normal make parenthood look as easy for gay couples as buying a sweater online.  The reality is that its super expensive for the average joe and, as open as the concept seems, there are still some prejudices.  So for now Brett has resolved to squash his rainbow-colored dream of being a dad and instead has been rushing me to get pregnant so he can be a Guncle (gay uncle for those of you who watch Tori and Dean).  Every time I talk to him, which is several times a week, his first question always is “bitch are you knocked up yet? ”  And of course he wants me to have a girl so he can dress her up and play with her like a little doll.  If we do have a girl I know she will have a closet full of glitter and tutus.  Not sure what he will do if we have a boy because in his words “little boys are stupid”.  As long as Brett is in my life I have a feeling I will always have closets full of glitter and tutus regardless of the sex of the baby. 

All of my gay friends are out of the closet- all except one.   I’ve known Danny since kindergarten.  I’ve always thought he was gay and so does the rest of the population.  As far as I know he’s never had a girlfriend, except for the one in Niagara Falls that nobody ever met.   If he was out of the closet he would fall into the category of flamboyant bitch.  He waves his hands around like his wrists are broken.  He pouts like a little girl when shit doesn’t go his way.  He refers to everyone he hates (male or female) as the C word (see you next tuesday).   Actually I take that back- he doesn’t restrict it for just people he hates.  ALL his friends are men- GAY men- except for the other female C’s in our group that we’ve known since grammar school.  He puts a filter on the end of his cigarette, a la Cruella Deville.   He LOVES to dance- particularly with glow sticks.  He knows every lyric to ever show tune ever written- need I go on?  I’ve always felt so bad for him that he can’t come out of the closet.  It has to be so lonely and dark in there.  He’s not even out to me- although he’s kinda hinted to it in a very murky way.  I think his life would be so much better if he was out.  He would be able to be who he is instead of hide behind some feathery veil and pretend to be someone he isn’t- although he really does suck at pretending.  I tried talking to Brett about it and in a nutshell his response was “bitch please- focus on your own closet!”  I didn’t know what he meant at first and then one day it dawned on me- I’m in my own closet.  My closet is called infertility. 

I guess I really can’t be who I am- an infertile.  I have to pretend to the world that all is well in vaginaville and I just don’t want kids right now and that the minute I want one it will happen.  Why do I have to pretend?  Because it’s really not socially acceptable to be infertile.  Or maybe it is and we just don’t know it because we’re all too afraid to talk about it.  Maybe the more we talked the more “OK” it would be? 

Am I as obviously in the closet as Danny?  Are people buying my cover of just not wanting a baby right now?  As good as my acting skills are surely they can tell by the look on my face and tears in my eyes each time a pregnancy is announced in my presence.  And I’m running out of excuses for cutting out of baby showers early.  I’m popular but really how many conflicting “other” parties on a Sunday are acceptable?  And forget about it when a baby is born- ugh!  I love to hold babies but a few minutes of your newborn in my arms is all I can take before I’m running out the door with it and you’re issuing an Amber Alert. 

I’m nosey by nature.  Yes, I’m the person in the emergency room who is wondering why everyone else is there- and sometimes asking.  If your arm is ripped open and blood is gushing everywhere I want to know how that happened, how long you’ve been waiting and when was your last tetanus shot.  Hey- I’ve already disclosed that I’m a Gemini- what do you expect?  I remember the very first time we walked into the fertility clinic.  The reception area is one big room but I noticed nobody sat next to each other.  It was like when a group of men go to a movie together.  They can never sit next to each other- they always need to have an empty seat in between.  So keep that in mind when you go see Die Hard Part 1,736.  Get there early because the whole theater will be filled with just individual seats available.  In the fertility clinic everyone was hiding in their little space and trying not to make eye contact.  It’s not like the ER where everyone is there for a different reason.  We are all in this one room because we all have the same thing in common- no baby.  I asked the vampire taking my blood “what’s with everyone in there?”  She simply replied, “nobody likes to be here”.  Yeah no shit sherlock but we ARE here so why not make the best of it?  No wonder people have to hide in their infertile closets and stalk infertility forums.  No wonder you are forced to feel the “shame” when even in the common area of a fertility clinic there is a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy”.  Even the bathrooms are one by one.  You know how in a bar there is 1 stall and 50 women waiting in line.  And then you see 4 friends go in at once to watch each other pee (I never understood that).  Well in a fertility clinic chances are there will be 5 stalls but no line.  Fertility clinics are the only place in the world where women don’t go to the bathroom in packs.  God forbid you go in with someone else in there- they might ask you to spare a square- oh the horror!   So I guess that’s the first place we learn it from- be ashamed, you are alone, nobody else is dealing with this- just you (and the other 50 women in the room).  There should probably be a curtain divider in the room with one side labeled “Shameful Closet” and the other side labeled “Its OK”.  This way if anyone does want to find some infertiles to bond with (or pee with) they can sit in the OK section.

Now come back over to my closet for a minute.  I don’t want to be here and I certainly don’t want to be here alone.  So why am I still here?  I’ve come out to some people- really I have.  Granted most of those people are strangers.  It seems easier to test the waters out on unsuspecting people- those that don’t know me and I don’t care if they judge me.  The girl who does my brazilian waxes knows.  That’s a piece of cake- she’s already very intimate with my private parts.  It’s only fair that she knows to do an extra special job at making my vag pretty on the outside because its battered and broken on the inside.  Maybe next time I should have her wax my landing strip into an arrow pointing downward.  Like an announcement “this shit don’t work”?  I can come out about my infertility and needing to do IVF that’s not hard.  What is hard is people who know constantly asking, “did it work, are you pregnant?”  When I do come out to someone that’s often my 1st disclaimer- you can ask how I’m doing, you can ask how the shots are going but please, please, please in the name of all that is holy (or in my case holey) do NOT ask if it worked.  Do not ask if I’m pregnant yet.  You will find out with all the rest of the Facebook creatures when I update my status to “Knocked Up!”  Until then please refrain from the rude questions.  Except Brett- I’ve made peace with the fact that’s he all about rude questions.  Ugh the queens- can’t live with them, can’t trust them with a secret! 

I’m not even out in my blog.  Sure, I tell you all about what’s going on with my cycles but I don’t tell you who I am.  My name and identity remains a secret.  Part of the reason for that is because while I’m ok with being IVF Out I’m not so OK with being Donor Egg Recipient Out.  Why?  Because that doesn’t just involve me.  That involves me, M and our future child.  I’ve talked in previous posts about who to tell and when about using donor eggs so I won’t rehash all of that.  But as we are getting closer and closer to our 1st donor egg cycle I’m feeling more of the need to be IVF Out.  I’m not really sure why that is.  Maybe because being IVF Out makes for a smoother transition to coming Donor Egg Recipient Out?  Or maybe because the more and more I read about the shameful closet the more pissed off I get about it?  I’ve always been one to root for the underdog, the ones without a chance, the less privileged.  Maybe if I come out then others will come out?  Maybe Danny will come out?  Maybe I can help to make the underdog of infertility a more acceptable thing to be?  Maybe one day we won’t be the underdog.  Maybe we can all ride the same bus and talk to each other?  Maybe we can turn closets back to their original intention of holding our coats and vacuum cleaners and any other crap you want to throw in there when company comes.  Or a closet can just be a place to store your glitter and tutus.  I want to be like Mary J and sing “I’m Coming Out” but 1st I need to check with my closet buddy M because he’s in there with me too. 

TO BE CONTINUED…?

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3 responses to “My Friend Isn’t The Only One In The Closet

  1. stupidstork says:

    Yeah I’m slightly in the infertility closet…

    Also – I too have one mysteriously not-out friend – named Danny. MIND BLOWN.

  2. I call it the infertility dungeon (instead of closet…but same idea…just more DRAMA!). I told my parents when we did IVF…and there are definitely days I get one too many questions…and I regret it…but overall I’m happy with my carefully selected inner circle. And to be honest…I don’t want to be anymore out than I already am.

  3. my1111wish says:

    StupidStork- we should set our Dannys up on a date lol. I’ve read some of your blog- I’m sure if we lived closer we would be great friends- we share the same colorful language and general hate of the world lmao.

    Well-intentioned- I’m glad you feel safe sharing with some people.

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