Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Today I’m An Angry Elf

on May 25, 2013

Originally psoted Apr 24, 2013 – 

Damn you Facebook and all your status updates in my newsfeed taunting me that others have what I want!  Usually its the constant complaining about how tired they are from being up all night with the baby, or the minute by minute reports of each coo and fart, or the “this baby is sucking the life out of me- I can’t wait to have a drink in 6 months”.   The thing that angered me today was not about anyone’s kid or pregnancy.  It was about what people can do and I cannot because I DON’T have a baby and want one.   My niece is in the Bahamas, my sister in law just booked a Disney cruise, my cousin is in Hawaii with her family, one friend just got a new car, another is redoing her kitchen, another just had landscaping and a patio put in, the list goes on.  And then there is me.  Broke ass me who is turning the big 4-0 in 2 months and won’t let M spend any money on a party or a vacation or an expensive gift.  Why?  Because I have rotten eggs and I need every dollar I can save, all 15,000 of them, to buy good eggs.  If someone gave me $15,000 I would have a field day.  I’m good with stretching a dollar so I could turn that into an African safari, a remodeled bathroom, a new washer and dryer, wallpaper removed and walls painted in 3 rooms,  new landscaping, a new wardrobe, a finished basement and probably still have money left for a happy meal.   But instead- none of that will be happening and I’m going to use all of that money to TRY to have a baby.  Not even definitely 100% going to have a baby but ”try” to have a baby- no guarantees, no warranty, no money back.  I’m really pissed right now.   I haven’t allowed myself to be pissed about any of our IVF dealings but right now I am totally feeling the financial shaft of it all.  I’m not sure if its me being cranky because I’m sick (although I’m swearing to M that its allergies), or if its the subconscious anxiety that Mother’s Day is right around the corner and I will once again be childless for it.  Or maybe it is the fact that I am turning 40 and not where I want to be in life.  I have no idea but whatever the reason- watch out world- do not cross paths with me today- GRRR!!!!!!


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