Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Sold to the Highest Bidder

on May 25, 2013

Originally posted Apr 22, 2013 – 

Having to use a donor egg is now so engraved into my everyday being that it has almost taken on a sense of “natural”.  I’m sure at one point in my life (pre-sucky eggs) the thought would have been foreign to me.  There really wasn’t much of a gray area either- at least as far as I can recall.  It was: one day not knowing a thing about egg donor possibilities to “donor egg here we come”.  So now I’m all “donor egg advocate” and walking proud like I got the hottest new Hermes bag (or whatever people are into) and I act like since I know all about it everyone else must right?  WRONG! 

I keep forgetting this is MY world and not the “norm”.   “Normies” (normal conception mommies) don’t have to think about or know about anything other than just having sex if they want to make a baby.   They never have to worry about timing or statistics or pharmaceuticals or making sure they don’t drain their bank accounts.   Imagine if every time someone had sex they 1st had to stab themselves in the stomach with a needle and then set $10,000 on fire.   Do you think people would still have sex?  Probably not- and if they did it better be damn good thigh shaking, window breaking, can’t catch my breath orgasmic sex.

The other day I was talking to someone about my ”baby stuff” as she referred to it.   I suppose that I should feel “special” that she cared enough to ask but when someone asks “what’s going on with your stuff?”  to which you reply “what stuff?” and the answer is “your baby stuff” it somehow leaves you feeling less than warm and fuzzy.  It makes me feel that something that is so much a part of my life, that consumes my every breathe, that  is so overwhelmingly painful and heartbreaking to endure is trivialized into something so small and meaningless as to be referred to as “stuff”.  I may be overreacting because its such an open wound for me but I’m sure many of you would feel the same.  She might as well have been asking if I ever got around to having that hang nail clipped.  Maybe she labeled it as “stuff” because she doesn’t know what else to call it.  Does she feel weird asking me about it?  It surprises me how uncomfortable the subject of infertility makes some people.  And it can’t be a prudish aversion to talking about sex because IVF has nothing to do with sex.  In fact, you can’t possibly be any more removed from sex.  When I tell people we have to do IVF you would think I was telling them I was diagnosed with AIDS and only have months to live.  They usually make a weird face and then move ever so slightly away as if they could “catch it”.  What’s funny is they probably don’t even know they are doing this and its a subconscious reaction.  Anyway, back to my “stuff”.  I told her we are at a stand still until we receive a profile.  I then had to explain (for the umpteenth time) what a profile is.  “We submitted our wish list for what we are seeking in an egg donor and the donor matching coordinator sends us women that she feels “match” what we are looking for.”  I was not prepared for her follow up question.  “So, if everyone is looking for the same thing who gets the egg?  Does it go to the highest bidder?”

So in a nut shell, our efforts to start a family are reduced to “stuff” and now our donor selection process is looking like a fast talking southern auction or a used car parts swap meet.  You really need to have a thick skin when dealing with all this. 

But this does bring up an interesting question.  Are we really paying top dollar for a custom made baby?  You bet we are!  But do we have much of a choice?   Not really.   Would we rather save the oodles of money and forgo the designer selection process and just roll in the hay to have a baby the old fashioned way- HELL YEAH!  When dealing with having to use donor eggs you really have to separate the process into 2 different categories: 1) selecting the donor 2) everything else.  When we first sat down with the matching coordinator M started rattling off everything he wanted in a donor.  It reminded me of the movie Weird Science and he was creating his perfect woman.   I gave him “the look” and he said, “what?  when else would we ever be able to have this conversation?”  It sounds awful but its true.  When else do you get an opportunity to hand pick what your baby would look like or who he/she might be?  Granted M’s genes will account for half of the baby’s genetic make up but our “check list” will make up the other half.  You can literally go down the list of what you want.  You might not get it all, or you might have to wait for a long time to come across a donor that matches but it is possible.  This is also not only a chance to pick what you want but also a chance to weed out what you don’t want.  When you start to break it down like this its very scary.  Ironically the matching coordinator was the first person we met with.  The last person we met with was the psychologist.  When she asked M what he was looking for in a donor he pointed to me and said, “Her- I want someone that is as close to her as possible.”   And in the end that’s all that matters- that and “would you like fries with that?”


One response to “Sold to the Highest Bidder

  1. […] Sold to the Highest Bidder ( […]

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