Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Sailing Through the Storm

on May 25, 2013

Originally posted Mar 3, 2013 – 


I barely slept last night.  The anticipation of the call we were to receive today was just too much for my brain to handle.   All I could picture in my head was our embryo and cells dividing.  I stayed in bed until the dogs woke up and used them as my excuse to get out of bed way earlier than I needed to.  Typically they would sleep until we got up but I might have made enough noise to wake them (wink wink).  I checked my emails.   Of course my daily inspirational email was the topic “Strength in Hard Times”- not a good sign.

M got up shortly after me and we sat on the couch staring at the phone ignoring the old saying that a watched pot never boils.  We even took turns watching the phone while the other showered.  We drove to church still watching the phone.  I decided to leave the phone in the car during church.  I know me and if it vibrated mid-sermon I wouldn’t be able to help myself. 

We don’t really have a choir, just 2 men playing acoustic guitar and singing and occassionally a woman sings with them.  They have never played anything that I know except the Our Father.  Of course today the first song they sung was Amazing Grace.  That song always makes me cry and today was no exception.  I’ve always focused on the “save a wretch like me” verse but today what caused the tears to flow was-

Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home

I tried to act like I had something in my eye.  As if that wasn’t enough the second song was Here I Am Lord

I who made the stars and night
I will make the darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them
Whom shall I send?
Wiping away the tears I thought to myself, “if they sing Ave Maria I’m out of here!”  Apparently God wanted to make sure we stayed because I got a tap on my shoulder and was asked if M and I could bring up the gifts.  We’ve been asked a few times and we do it but I always break into a sweat.  I’m afraid I’ll trip and spill the wine or drop the bowl of hosts.  I always get a foreshadow of me on my hands and knees in front of the alter picking up all the pieces while all the older women pat their chests and gasp. 
I try to take the journey of infertility one step at a time.  When I stop and look back at the rocky road we’ve traveled it amazes me what one will go through to fulfill one’s dreams.  This has not been an easy journey to say the least.  We’ve been through so much and come so far and yet we are not even half way through it.  We have to walk up hill in the pouring rain only to make it to the top and then tumble down in the mud.  Ever step seems to have a thorn bush that we need to push through.  We come out of that bruised and bloodied only to have to leap into an ocean of salt water and then brave the stormy seas.  All I can do is hope that the storm we sail through brings us to our rainbow.

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