Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

RIP Fertility

on May 25, 2013

Originally posted Apr 18, 2013 – 

Someone on one of the forums emailed me for advice.  She has just made the decision to wave the white flag on her own eggs and switch to donor eggs.  She wrote, “You always seem to be so ok with it” and wanted to know how she could get there as well.   I think I appear to be “so ok” with it because I really don’t have a choice.   I’m not sure that anyone is ever 100% ok with being infertile or needing to use a donor.  Its just something you have to accept at some point if you ever want to move forward.  Its like losing a loved one- you never “get over the person”, you never stop loving or missing the person- just every day puts you 1 step further from the death and gives you another day to mourn which puts you 1 step closer to acceptance and peace.   Ever step further from grief makes it hurt a little less. 

Infertility is not a death sentence- although majority of the time you’re in it you feel like it is.  Infertility is basically just a diagnosis that says “hey- your body is being an asshole and not behaving the way its supposed to so we need to kick it in the ass and give it some “help” to make you a mommy”.   And that “help” can come in many forms: IUI, IVF, invasive surgery, donor eggs, donor embryos, surrogate and adoption. 

Please don’t think I’m being flippant about infertility.  I’ve showed “it” it’s respect but I’m far enough down this road to look back on the initial diagnosis and shock and give it the middle finger.   I’ve had a funeral twice for it- once for my general infertility and once for needing to use donor eggs.  I’ve dressed in black and shouted “Fuck you infertility!  You are not going to get the best of me!  I’m stronger than you and I WILL be a mommy!”   Of course I’m not a mommy yet but I have no doubt at all that I will be one day.  But I didn’t always believe that.  Pre-mourn I almost succumbed to the doom and gloom beast but luckily I made it through. 

In college I took a course called “Death as a Fact of Life”.  I know it sounds morbid but it was truly the most interesting course I’ve ever had and it has helped me deal with so many things in life.  We learned that there are steps each person has to go through when dealing with death- its the grieving process.  It isn’t until all the steps are completed that the person can actually “move on” and be at peace with their loss. 

1) Denial- this isn’t happening to me

2) Anger- why is this happening to me?

3) Bargaining- I promise I’ll be a better person if…

4) Depression- I don’t care anymore

5) Acceptance- I’m ready for whatever comes

Think about your infertility?  What stage are you at?  Have you been through all of them?  I think most people find themselves flip flopping between #2 and #4.  Not everyone moves through the steps in the same order or at the same pace.  Every person is different just like every infertility is different.  Allow yourself the freedom to experience all the steps.  Allow yourself to mourn your fertility, bury it and move on.   Allow yourself to not only survive but conquer infertility.  Give it the a big F YOU! and go be a mommy.  I wish acceptance and peace for us all.


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