Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Making a House a Home

on May 25, 2013

Originally posted May 15, 2013 – 

I’ve been trying to come up with a clever analogy to answer the question- “will you feel like this baby is yours?”   I’ve already been asked this several times and each time I stumble with my response.  I stumble not because I won’t feel like the baby is mine but from shock of the question.  If I had any doubts as to bonding with my child I would not be doing this so to me the answer is obviously NO!  Apparently that’s not so obvious to others or they wouldn’t ask.   One friend asked if I get offended by his questions.   He’s always asking stupid shit that is usually labeled as rude or things you don’t ask but that’s him and I love him with all his bluntness.  The other day he said, “do you want a boy or a girl?  And don’t give me that lame ass we just want a healthy baby crap!”   Yup- gotta love him.  But the answer is no- I don’t get offended by his questions.   Maybe its because not much offends me?  Maybe its because I like to talk about it?  Maybe its because I really don’t care what people think?  Or maybe its because the questions are all “safe” right now and purely hypothetical?  The only people that know about us using donor eggs are close friends or family that we can trust.  Once the baby is born we will “come out” about using a donor but only to a select few prior to birth- that’s a topic for a different blog.  I actually like being able to talk about it with some people and practice the responses to the questions we will inevitably get.  This practice is so much easier to get out of the way now while our child is still just a faceless dream as opposed to when that baby is in my arms and Momma Bear is going to righteously defend her innocent cub.   

Back to the bonding question- will I feel like the baby is mine?  My best attempt at an analogy is this- the difference between using a donor egg and using my egg is similar to the difference between a house and a home.  When you buy a “shelter you are going to live in” it is referred to as a house.  Its a simple structure with walls, windows, doors and a roof.  Its empty and barren and far from warm and cozy.  Its not until you move in and add color to the walls, pictures, plants, window treatments, furniture and nic nacs that then the house becomes a home.  Your personal touch, your influence, your blood, sweat and tears is what makes that house your own.  So the realtor (the clinic) is going to sell me a house (the donor egg) but it won’t be until after the closing and move in (fertilization and implantation) that the house (the embryo) will become my home (our baby).  I hope that helps people understand- if not I guess they will just need to wait to see how bonded I will be.


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