Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

Dress Rehearsal

on May 25, 2013

Originally posted Mar 24, 2013 – 

I belong to 2 online fertility websites.  One I’ve been involved with from the start of our infertility struggles.  I stalk it several times a day and usually wind commenting on at least one thread a day.  The other one is newer to me because its donor specific.  These online fertility communities are a funny thing.  You become so much a part of these women’s lives (and some men) that you feel like you really know them.  You find yourself thinking about them and their situations.  You pray for them, cheer for them and sometimes even cry for them.  They are your people.    People you will probably never meet and probably would have never been friends with but all share a common bond- the deep desire to have a family.  Without these communities I would be lost.  I’ve learned so much and also had a chance to share so much of our own experiences.  Its almost like an online AA meeting.  “Hello I’m My11:11wish and I’m infertile.”  There are some people you see on several threads and you know their stories.  When you don’t see them comment for a while you tend to ask yourself, “I wonder what’s going on with EmptyArms73?” or “BabyMakes3 is due for her beta today- I wonder how it went?”  And there is no jealousy when they get pregnant like there is in the real world.  You are happy that they made it because every success gives you hope.  After all, if they can do it why can’t you?

I was emailing with a fellow IVF’er the other day.  I’ve never met her before she’s just in the online fertility community.  We’ve been through a lot of the same things and ironically at the same times.  She’s like my Sister Wife.  She is also starting the donor egg process.  She said her DH (online fertility ebonics for Darling Husband) commented that he wished he had known what the outcome would have been for them and just did donor eggs from the beginning.  That got me thinking about my topic for this blog entry- do I have any regrets?  Had I known the outcome would I have skipped the 9 months of torture and started the donor egg process sooner?

M and I are big fans of what we like to refer to as Dress Rehearsal.  Dress Rehearsal is anything that gives you a chance to prepare for the real thing.  Our previous marriages were Dress Rehearsal.  Without knowing it at the time we were able to “practice” for the real thing.  In the years we spent with our ex’s we were able to discover what we really want, need and are willing to put up with or without.  Would I want to wish infertility on my worst enemy- no.  Would I want to struggle with it for the rest of my life- no.  Has it made me and our relationship stronger- yes.  Has it prepared us for what is to come next- absolutely.  Having 3 failed cycles exposed us to the anticipation, excitement, failure and heartbreak of starting a family the “nontraditional” way.  We know all about waking up at the crack of dawn to go for blood work, ultrasounds and retrievals.  M is now a master of giving me shots and I’m a master at taking the pain.  We have become so organized and in sync with our schedules.  We know all the processes, procedures and statistics.  Through all the pain and suffering we’ve bonded and become two peas in a pod- relying on each other to make it through.  Our Dress Rehearsal with my own eggs has paved the way for the high possibility of this really working for us with donor eggs.  We knew going into it that we had less than 20% chance of my eggs working and 50%-70% of miscarriage if the embryo did implant.  Ironic that those stats pretty much mirror the chances of our Dress Rehearsal marriages working.  With donor eggs we have a 81% chance of it working and the miscarriage rate drops down to less than 10%.  Odds are in our favor.  Had we gone straight to donor eggs we would be going in blind with no experience to guide us.  So the answer is a big, fat, without a doubt- NO- we have no regrets.  We are ready for the curtains to open and the show to begin.  Grab your popcorn and have a seat- this is sure to be an Academy Award winner!


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