Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

1st Class Ticket to Hell

on May 25, 2013

There is absolutely no doubt about it- infertility will take you to hell.   And sometime its a one way ticket, you’re not guaranteed a round trip.   The way I see it- if you have to go to hell you might as well book yourself a 1st class seat and travel in luxury. 

For this blog I would like to pay homage to all the things I am LUCKY about when dealing with infertility.  Yes, you read that right, I said lucky.  There are plenty of women who have it far worse than me- and to those women I salute you!

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign.  If you haven’t already done so please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin.  Please take your seat and fasten your seat belt.  Also make sure your seat back and folding trays are in the full upright position.”  (and yes I had to Google this- I don’t travel that much lol)

1) We didn’t waste any time– We didn’t try for too long before we decided to seek help.   There are some couples who try for years and years.  We “tried” for less than 2 years.  And a lot of the time it wasn’t actually “trying” it was more of a not-not trying (aka- no protection, no pulling out).  I tracked my ovulation for some time but it wasn’t like hardcore punching a clock to do the naked dance because I was ovulating.  It could be worse.

2) We got to skip IUI and go straight to IVF–  My insurance requires you to do 4 IUI’s before they will approve IVF.  Most insurances with this requirement stick to it even if there isn’t a chance in hell that IUI would work.  They still make you go through 4 failed IUI’s.  Silly I know but God forbid they try to over-ride their stupid computers with all their silly coding methods.  My doctor fought with our insurance company until they gave in.  Somewhere in some cubical there is a computer that is all screwed up now- oh well.   It could be worse.

3) We didn’t have to schedule sex– That’s the downfall of a lot of relationships when it comes to infertility.  Sex becomes a timed chore instead of a luxury.  We never had to do that.  We could have sex as frequently (or infrequently) as we wanted.  A friend of mine jokes that he practices S&M with his wife- she sleeps while he masturbates- lol.  It could be worse. 

4) I’m a Jersey Girl– New Jersey is one of the few states that has an IVF mandate that requires insurance companies to cover infertility treatments.  All my IVF cycles were covered 100%.  I had to pay a $20 co-pay for each office visit and a prescription co-pay for my medications but that was less than $1,000 for 3 cycles.  My insurance will also pay for my donor’s cycle.  We still have to pay for the donor compensation, the matching coordinator and $4000 to the clinic for their administrative fees.  But insurance will pay for her cycle office visits, her drugs and the actual retrieval (as well as the fertilization and then everything for me after that).  The mandate allows you 4 retrievals in a lifetime.  I’ve already wasted 2 with my crap-ass eggs so that leaves us with 2 more for a donor.  It could be worse.

5) We have good jobs and make a decent living– We are not rich but we both make a good living.  Combined we make a lot more than the average household.  We are pretty smart with our money.  We don’t deny ourselves anything but we don’t spend money like crazy either.  We have a budget and stick to it.  We had to plan for donor eggs but we were able to stock away the money in time.   We both have a lot of flexibility with our work schedules so we can call out on a moments notice.  We don’t take advantage of that but it makes it much easier when you can’t always plan ahead for a retrieval or transfer.  It could be worse.

6) I have an amazing man– M has been so incredibly awesome throughout this whole process.  He learned the infertility ebonics that is used in the forums (I even overheard him telling someone about our “follies” once).  He’s done his own research.  He listens to me when I need to vent.  He wipes my tears and gives me hugs when we get bad news.  He comes to all the appointments- not just the ones he “really” needs to be there for.  He gives me my shots and kisses my tummy when he’s done.  He dreams with me and gives me encouragement and hope.  I honestly couldn’t get through this without him (and its not just because I need his sperm).  I’ve read on the forums about plenty of significant others who refuse to give their women the shots- mostly from lack of involvement and not because they are scared.  These same men are generally not at all supportive of the entire process.  Ladies- if your man is involved make sure you appreciate that- you’re lucky- go kiss him now!  It could be worse.

7) I have an unbelievable support system– Between M, my mom, my friends and my fellow infertiles from the forums I’m pretty much covered as far as emotional support.  It could be worse.

8) I haven’t suffered a miscarriage– I guess this is a double-edged sword because saying that I haven’t had a miscarriage could be by default because I haven’t actually gotten pregnant.  But as far as my doctors can tell there are no signs that I wouldn’t be able to stay pregnant.  I just need to get that seed in there.  I feel like I have my drivers license but no car.  I want to drive!!!!!  It could be worse.

9) I’m generally healthy– OK I will admit that I have cellulite on my butt and upper thighs but that can be hidden lol.  My butt is slightly larger than it should be (a la Kim Khardasian)- ok not that big but yeah I got a little J Lo going.  For the most part I am of average weight and pretty healthy.  In fact, with all this trying to get pregnant stuff I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been.  It could be worse.

10) I’m a fighter– I don’t like being told I can’t do something and that includes having a baby.  So I was never in jeopardy of falling victim to my shitty ovaries.  My arms will hold my baby by any means necessary.  This Polish stubbornness also helped me to come to terms with needing a donor much easier and quicker than it would for some people.  Actually, the Polish in me might have helped more than I know.  I think I confused genes with jeans and said that’s fine sweatpants will do.  There are plenty of women who would not be willing to live through even half of what I have.  It could be worse.

11) I only need an egg– I feel weird saying “only” since the egg is 1/3 of the equation but some women need an egg, sperm and a uterus.  So only needing an egg does put me in the lucky category.  It could be worse.

12) I’m very open and not afraid to share– Because of this I’m able to express my emotions and sort out my feelings- another plus when overcoming fears of having a non-genetic baby.  I also have no problems sharing my experiences via my blog which, based on the numerous emails I’ve receive, have helped many others.  It could be worse.

13) I have a ton of hair– Some of the fertility drugs can thin your hair and make it fall out.  It doesn’t look like you went through chemo but if you have thin hair to start it can be noticeable.  My hair is very thick so I will never miss what I lose.  It could be worse.

14) I secured great blog names– First I started with and now I have my1111wish.  I love both of those names.  My 11:11 wish because I always wish for a family at 11:11.  Some people have a hard time getting a blog name because so many are already taken.  I didn’t have that problem.  And I’ve already secured one for when we have a baby (stay tuned for that blog name).  It could be worse.

15) No vasectomy needed– Since I can’t get pregnant naturally M will never need to get a vasectomy when our family is complete.  So we will save money (I don’t think insurance covers it) and I’ll never need to waste a package of frozen peas after M has had them on his nuts.  It could be worse.

16) I’m not a sissy la la– I don’t like needles and the daily blood work and shots do hurt a little but I’m willing to suck it up and take it.  I suffer through the physical, mental and emotional pain because I know one day it will have been worth it.  It could be worse.

17) It got me back into writing– I used to love to write.  It was my stress reliever.  I had given it up because I never felt like I had the time or the material.  Now I’m writing every day- instant therapy- yoga for my brain.  It could be worse. 

18) There’s no shame in my game– I could go into any office and drop my draws and be spread eagle on a table with the world coming in and out of the room.  You can torture me with all types of foreign objects and I won’t blush.  Some women don’t even like to get naked in front of their significant other.  I could care less who sees my goods- plus this has totally paved the way for vaginal childbirth.  It could be worse.

19) I’m open to other options– If, God forbid, donor eggs does not work for us we still have the options of donor embryos and adoption.  Some couples would not even consider these as options.  It could be worse. 

20) It has made me a stronger person– Through all the ups and downs I’ve realized how strong I really am.  I’ve completely shocked myself.  I’ve been to hell and back and will keep on earning my frequent flyer miles until I come home with my family. 

“Ladies and gentlemen you are now free to walk about the cabin”


One response to “1st Class Ticket to Hell

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