Starting Our Family

The reality of infertility, IVF and donor eggs

ZERO! ZIP! ZILCH!

on May 24, 2013
 

Originally posted Nov 15, 2012 – 

I need to put a picture of my eggs on a milk carton because they are missing! 

Sorry for the delay but I haven’t had the emotional strength to blog about this until now.  Actually, I still don’t have the strength but I’m trying to keep a pretty up to date journal and don’t want to fall too far behind.  I’m sure I will be stopping often for tissue breaks.

We went for our retrieval on Sat. (Nov 10th).  I should have known it would not turn out good since our nurse’s name was Sandy and we just cycled through Hurricane Sandy.  She was very sweet though and super gentle with my IV- twice. 

I had the retrieval, which only took about 20 mins, and then they wheeled me back to the recovery room.  Right after I woke up Sandy came in and said, “I’m sorry honey but I have bad news- we didn’t retrieve any eggs.”  At this point she held up a white piece of paper with a big fat zero with a line through it.  She might as well have tattooed LOSER on my forehead.  I didn’t react at first because I was hoping I was still in an anesthesia nightmare and hadn’t really woken up yet.  As Sandy was reaching for tissues the doctor came in and repeated what Sandy said.  I looked over at M and tried my hardest not to cry  but once my lip started trembling I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it.  I didn’t sob or make a noise- the tears just poured down my face.  Sandy handed me the tissues and said she was sorry.  At this point I’m starting to see the similarity between Nurse Sandy and Hurricane Sandy- both tore through hearts and homes and left nothing but pieces to be picked up.

The recovery room is not at all private.  Its basically a huge room with 5 beds and just curtains seperating everyone.  So I knew the person on my left had an abortion a few years back and the person on my right was there for her embryo transfer and nervous because she only had 9 embryos and then there was me- EGGLESS.  Sandy made me eat a few crackers and then told me I could go home.   She at least had the compassion to not make me wait the required 45 min “wake up” time. 

The drive home was pretty quiet.  I was feeling like a failure and M was feeling helpless to my pain.  I text the “news” to a few people that were anxiously waiting to hear and then slept for a while.  Its several days later and I kind of feel like I’m still sleeping.  I feel very empty and alone.   M has been wonderful as well as the people that are close to us who know so we have a ton of support but alone is a feeling I’m waiting to escape.

M and I are still sticking with our original plan- play it like baseball- 3 strikes and you’re out- or in our case onto donor eggs.  I had a conference call with my doctor and he doesn’t think it would hurt to try 1 more time.  Of course with the holidays coming and labs being closed or on limited hours I need to wait until Jan. to start.  Plus he never recommends anyone starting pre-holiday because that’s already a stressful time and not fun adding shots to the equation.  So I will let the wine flow and hope 2013 brings better luck and new beginnings.  At the very least we will have received our year-end bonus’ which will be much needed as we plan for our donor eggs.

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